it happenned again

The bottom fell out - again. I lost my motivation. I lost the desire. I lost my ability to think properly. I havent been to weight watchers in 3 weeks. I havent really watched what I ate and have only worked out sporadically.

I need to take a different take on this. I need to be motivated from within. I need to love myself more and realize I deserve to be happy.

I need to realize that I need to do this to not make myself look a certain way but instead to be healthy, to live a healthy happy life.

night time eating...

I really need to work on my night time eating - Im not sure what to do though. I do GREAT all day. I make a good dinner and plan for an evening snack around 8 or 830pm but for some reason around 9 or 10 I want to munch and munch and munch. The last 3 days I have chosen healthier snacking options and have made sure I claimed all of the points on my points paper but its points I would much rather not use. I dont "need" them, Im not hungry. I just want them and seem to have no real control from hand to mouth once it starts.

I think around that time Im bored maybe.

So this is my plan.

Unless the day was crazy and I didnt have dinner or something - I will not eat anything after 9pm.

If I feel like the munchies are attacking me I will make a cup of hot tea (love cooler weather!)

If that doesnt work I will try to keep myself more busy.
Suggestions -
*take a bubble bath
*paint my toe nails
*read something for school
*read something fun
*alone time with hubby :)
*floss and brush my teeth, gargle
*come on here and write something

If that absolutely doesnt work then have a piece of fruit and call it a day - my body doesnt need the calories, I plan my food out well during the day, my body isnt in "need" of anything.

I did it!

I successfully got my ass off the couch and ran on the treadmill for 30 min! I feel SOOOOO much better!

10/15/09

Just dropped G off at preschool and BOY did I look ROUGH! Im in super baggy clothes, my hair is greasy. I just feel GROSS. The post nasal crap isnt helping either. Nor is the nasty cold rain outside or the fact that my living room smells ridiculously like dog - yuck. It is going to be a very blah day.

On a good note I havent had a soda in 24 hours! Thats big for me since I average between 6-8 cans/day (diet cherry pepsi)... yes its zero calories and therefore zero points but I really think it makes me crave other things and just cant be that healthy to have all of those chemicals in my body. I make G drink water most of the time yet I have a soda in my hand... what kind of role model is that?!? So its been coffee in the am (CANT CUT THAT), water and unsweetened iced tea the rest of the time. So far so good.

Yesterday was my first day back tracking points - did well. I was STARVING by dinner but it was because I didnt spread out the food I brought to school and I ate breakfast really really early.

I sit here trying to get up the energy to go change my clothes and get on the treadmill. I dont want to but I need to. I havent worked out in 2 days. I have a 5 K to run in 4 weeks or so. Need to get moving.

always hungry

Unless I am FULL to the max then I feel hungry - there is NO in between. It is very frustrating. I know I shouldnt be hungry, but I want to munch so I have a small snack but the small snack does NOTHING to cure my "hunger" and the feeling of a little bit of food in my stomach just makes me want more, it makes it feel more hollow if thats possible.

Im a smart chick - I know that the hunger I feel isnt for food. I just dont know what its for. Part of me knows that I need to like myself more but I worry that once I lose weight I wont have that to hide behind anymore. Now its easy to believe that I lack some friends and what not because of my weight, or more importantly because of who I am because of my weight. BUT once the weight isnt the problem anymore - what if I dont like me. What if I have to come to the realization that Im boring, not any fun, a gossiper, ect.

tomarrow...

So today has been a decent day - got ALOT of studying done, way more to do tonight though. Took a break to have a short run. Eating, not so good.

Tomarrow I go back to tracking because obviously without tracking I have NO control - tomarrow is back to 27 points/day. Im going to try to stay away from my extra weekly points for a week or two.

I weighed myself at Racheals today and I was up 4 lbs on her scale - may not be exact since I dont normally weigh in on her scale but Im definatly UP. I was so close to breaking into the 170s and as usual I sabatage myself... not only do I sabatage myself but that one or two days of bingeing ALWAYS turns into a week or two... every freaking time! Then im lbs away from the goal I almost made... it is SO frustrating!

10/12/09

I have my LAST midterm ever in 2 days - I cannot seem to get myself to hard core study. Its like I have senioritis... I hope I do well. Tomarrow Im taking G to daycare to study, hopefully I can knock out the rest of my studying.

I took a decent run today - almost 2 miles with a short walk in between. Double what I did with my last run and tomarrow Im restarting week 3 of the 6 week abs/pushups and squats challange that I have taken a week off of.

I havent restarted the eating write component yet though - I have probually eaten out like 6 times in the past week.

Today I went to breakfast with Rachael to cracker barrel. While waiting for our food I went ot the rest room and on the walk couldnt help but notice that atleast 75% of the woman there were overweight, and not by just a few pounds. On the walk out Rachael commented on a couple eating a bowl of cereal and couldnt understand why they would get a bowl of cereal at a restaurant. I asked her if they were "heavy" - they were not. I am and I definatly did not order a bowl of cereal.

finding my mojo

I think my mojo is making a comeback! FINALLY!

I went for a run today - it was a sucky run. Barely did a mile BUT I got off my butt and did it. Tomarrow will be easier and the say after that even easier.

I have decided starting next month to do a 5K each month - my november one will be on Thanksgiving Morning in Havre de Grace... anyone want to join me???

wow

I follow a blog by a women named Roni (roniweigh.com) - she is local and has done amazing things with weighloss while dealing with being a wife and mother and what not. Today she ran the Baltimore marathon and Im in amazement. 6 months ago she wasnt a runner... she ran her first 5K only alittle before I ran mine and here she is running a marathon.

I find her incredibly motivating!

where did I go...

Why cant I keep my mojo? Why cant I stick to something that 1-isnt that hard and 2-makes me feel better???

So last thursday I had gained 0.2lbs.... not horrible but it started a downward spiral... I havent watched a single thing I have put in my mouth this week, I have drank almost NO water and havent even tried to work out... and I feel gross. My insides feel gross. Im gassy. My face is breaking out. Im yawning alot, tired and cranky.

Why do I do this over and over and over?!?

I have used every excuse in the book this week with my favorite being that Im TIRED and STRESSED - but by continuing these behaviors Im even more tired and more stressed and I have been WAY more stressed before.

So tomarrow morning starts a new week - a better week I hope.

If you are reading this then please lend some support...