binging...

YUP... I have to come clean. It has been a BAD 48 hours. I have eaten and eaten and eaten. It started on tuesday and ended about 2 hours ago. Here is the run down...

TUESDAY - Going away party at work did OK but then went out to dinner with hubby afterwards and had fried pickles and ranch dressing. Raided the cabinets a TON tuesday night.

Wednesday - Did fine during the day at work but then all hell broke loose afterwards. I had VERY salty McD fries and nuggets, candy bar, raided the cabinets.

Thursday - Traveling to Ohio, in a car for 8 hours. McD's for breakfast, candy in the car, fried shrimp, mashed potatoes, bread, hushpuppies for dinner - candy candy and more candy after that.

I feel DISGUSTING. My skin feels gross. My stomach feels funny. My body just doesnt like me right now. I feel bloated and HUGE. And very very very disappointed in myself. I hate the way eating like this makes my body feel - forget emotional, physically my body doesnt like it. NOTHING taste as good as you think it would taste. None of it was worth the calories that I consumed.

WHY did I do this?

At 9pm I was fed up with myself. I got G ready for bed. Our hotel rooms have a connecting door so I opened the connecting door to my moms room while G slept and I went down to the workout room at the hotel to run. It was NOT a good run. My body didnt want to do it, my mind didnt want to do it. My side hurt almost the entire time. I did 2.6 miles in 33 minutes. I did quite a bit of walking in the middle of jogging. I didnt have a great sweat like I like. BUT I did it. And the entire time I did it I asked myself that question... WHY? WHY do this to yourself when you are doing soooo well. Why give in to crappyness when you know it wont be worth it. Why am I setting myself back? Why am I trying to make myself fail?

The only thing I could come up with is that Im about to hit another mile stone (hitting the 160s) and it SCARES ME... why on earth would doing well scare me? I know its stupid but my body is finally starting to really change. I can see it, others can see it now... and change is scary. I love that my body is changing but I feel like everyone sees the weight loss now and looks when they see me again for any difference - its alot of pressure - silly stupid pressure but pressure all the same.

Does ANY of that make sense? To a normal healthy person probually not - to me it is crystal clear.

SO tomarrow I have asked my mom to get me up at 530 so I can head for a hopefully better run. From this point forward my workouts need to COUNT. I am aiming for 500 calories burned per workout day. Not per workout, I know that wont happen. So for example tomarrow is a workout day. I need to get 500 calories in. I am aiming to run for 30-45 min tomarrow which will probually burn 350-400 calories, so later in the day I need to get another 100 or 200 in. So it will be a long workout and a short workout or one long workout or 2-3 medium workouts each work out day.

Tomarrow I also need to get back on track eating wise - No I am not journaling this weekend... I have NO clue what to give things while Im out and I dont want to be stressed over it so I need to make a point to pick healthier options... EVERY meal!