life is a marathon...

In the last few weeks I have gotten stuck in a rut. I have had issues with the mentality of "all or nothing". I have started every day off strong, lost my resolve somewhere after dinner and then felt like a failure and fell into the bad thoughts. 

We all know the "bad thoughts". 

• you arent strong enough
• your legs are huge and jiggly
• you will always be fat
• look at those belly rolls
• you have already done the damage might as well go for it some more
• your face is so gross with the double chin and pimple 
• your clothes will never fit
• no one likes you because your fat

Ok so maybe those are MY bad thoughts - but Im sure everyone has their own version. I hope yours is nicer to you than mine is. 

But you know what - weight loss isnt an all or nothing. My goals (posted yesterday) are NOT goals to get thin. They are goals to live a healthy life. To feel good in my skin. No Im not there yet but I will get there. Baby steps equal a HUGE distance down the road. I need to focus on making smart choices and realize the process is a marthon. 

dreaming big

When did I stop dreaming big? When did I start settling for just being mediocre? When did I stop thinking amazing things could happen to me?

Tonight on Glee of all places I heard this...

"You should dream ... very very big... then work incredibly hard to make it happen"

It hit home. So I decided to start making a dream list. Im not exactly good at dreaming big anymore. So this list is a work in progress. Number one should have been "learn to dream" but here goes...

Dream Big

1. Do a pull up
2. Run a second marathon
3. be a role model for my daughter
4. Not worry if Im going to fit into my clothes because they fit
5. want to have sex with the lights on
6. Want to wear skirts to show my legs
7. Run a 5k with Gavin … and then with both kids J
8. Go sky diving with Gavin
9. Walk my grandkids down the isle when they get married
10. Go mountain climbing
11. Go white water rafting
12. Inspire and help train someone for their first half marathon
13. become a morning person – waking up without hitting snooze
14. Run an 8:30 min mile
15. date my husband
16. take the kids on an Alaskan cruise
17. Have a third child (shhhh…. Not so sure about this one)
18. complete a tough mudder
19. take dance lessons with eric

I love a good aha moment!

First off I was awesome eating wise today -

• Im pms'ing and want chocolate BADLY and looked at recipes for desserts all day trying to figure out something for that party but did NOT give in. Even when my family was roasting marshmellows in the bonfire tonight!
• Went out to lunch with a friend - looked at the menu online before hand and stuck with my plain garden salad with salmon and oil and vinegar. No not crazy tasty but did the job. 
• Wanted to eat just to eat... told myself to suck it up and get over it. Drink a glass of water and move on.

I did my cross fit workout for the day - 

15 lunges holding 2 10lb barbells

60 times with jump rope

repeat 5 times total.

MY BUTT WAS BURNING! 

Dinner was done. We headed out for a family bonfire. Got the kids cleaned up and in bed. And I thought to myself - wow it feels so nice outside, you have energy ... go for a run. So off I went into the dark for a 3 mile run around the neighborhood. Felt great.

That is where the aha moment came from. I have taken to listening to podcast during runs. I was listening to Jillian Michaels. They were talking about reinforcement, self talk ect. 

They discussed an analogy where a kid finishes a math test and the teacher says "Bobby you did so well, you are amazing at math. Would you like to take another harder test" The boy says NO. (he is told he is really good at something and being faced with something harder might make him fail and then he wouldnt be super good at it anymore). Another kid finishes a math test the teacher says to him "wow bobby I am so impressed with how hard you worked and the attention you gave it, would you like to take another harder test". The kids says yes (he has been rewarded for his hard work and is willing to keep working hard and trying).

What does this mean to me??? The months before I got pregnant with Bre I was at my lowest weight ever. I felt amazing. I thought I looked amazing. People told me all the time that I looked awesome or I did a great job losing weight. It was always the final product - not the process of getting there that was praised. I started stressing out and when I started to slide into bad habits I felt like I was letting all of those other people down too. I wasnt the success story anymore. 

When what I should have been thinking was - wow I worked really hard and sacrificed alot to get where I was. I put in the time and the work and it was that work that was awesome - not just the final product. 

Does that make sense to anyone besides in my head?

paleo eating while at a function...

Friday night is book club. The theme of this months meeting is black and white and desserts. Im day 4 of pretty strict paleo right now. I have minimal will power but I dont want to stay locked up at home and not enjoying life either.

Of course I want to say to myself - just go off plan for the night, enjoy yourself. Im going to hibachi before hand and will have some soy but I have dealt with that. No rice or sushi rolls for me and Im ok with having a bit of soy. But the desserts. uhhhhh

I initially was going to bring in fruit. Now Im thinking a paleo inspired dessert but that will have to involve a lot of looking up websites and trial and error. I will probually be the only one that likes it and what if its just enough "dessert" feeling to make me feel like I need the real thing too and then I binge?

Eating shouldnt be this stressful!

I agree with the primal - good 80% of the time splurge 20% which would allow for a splurge but I cant handle small splurges... it turns into 10 day ordeals!

wheat withdrawl take two...

Im really hoping its that and not getting sick!

When I cut out all grains, dairy, legumes, and processed sugar - day 3 felt HORRIBLE. Headache, body aches and so incredibly tired.

Then I felt awesome.

Then I decided I could eat what ever I want after my race... for a little over a week!

Now Im day three again of being clean and paleo. A

And I feel like crud. Im cranky. My head hurts, my joints hurt and I just want to go back to bed! Im going to listen to my body... canceled volunteering at Gs school today, going to get him on the bus, Bre at the sitters and go back to bed! We will retry the day in a few hours...

crossfit

Why does being healthy and getting in shape have to be so damn expensive?!?  Yes I know you dont NEED all of the expensive stuff but it sure as hell makes it easier!

I want to start doing crossfit classes. But OMG... my gym wants another 75, 125, or 150 dollars month to go one, two or three times a week. Thats in addition to the crazy amount I pay for my membership! uhhhh

So I finally found a website that offers step by step crossfit WOD (workout of the day) - figure its a start. I did my first one last night. HOLY MOLY! Loved it but crazy sweaty!

http://calicrossfit.blogspot.com/

check it out!

In other news...

• My bf from highschool (who now lives crazy far away) has agreed to do tough mudder with my group! So hopefully we will rebond during training even if we are doing it at a distance - and I cant wait to spend a whole weekend away with her and everyone else! She is such an amazing wonderful person and I miss her.
• Ive been fighting in my head daily with eating and I have lost. I sound like a crazy person yelling at myself. Today will be a new day!
• I volunteered at Gs school yesterday. I grabbed a pair of khakis out of the closet that I havent been able to wear since before my pregnancy. They are size 12. They were alittle too big. AWESOME FEELING!
• 5 weeks until the 5k virgins first 5k! Getting so excited for them! They are doing awesome putting the time and work in! 
• Awesome appears to be the word of the day today :)
• 2 1/2 weeks until I leave my babies for an entire week and go to Canada for work. Weird how I can be so excited and so sad at the same time. 

Bird-in-hand Half Marathon Report

This weekend the family packed up and headed to Amish country for a family run weekend. Bird-in-hand, PA is only 60-70 minutes away but it feels like we are in a completely different time. The people are SO nice, the land is not over developed and there are horse and buggies everywhere. This race benefits their local fire company and the whole community took part and made all of us "visitors" feel so welcome. I think this race is typically a lot more low key but Runners World ran an article in it which equaled a lot more turn out!

The race weekend started on Saturday with a kids run - Gavins first run!

Then there were hot air balloons...

Then they had a bonfire but the kids were too tired so we retired to the hotel room... the hotel room was the least favorite part of the trip. With a family of four and two kids we need a suite but I didnt book it soon enough so we were cramped into a regular sized room. And to make matters worse - way worse - our room stunk. It smelled very damp. It was gross!

I got everything ready for my race and attempted to get some sleep..

Granted sleep did NOT come - with the stinky room I kept imagining bed bugs. Then I kept thinking I felt something on me... it made for a very very long night. And of course Bre decided 3 am was a great time to wake up.

Morning came and we headed out

And that ends the actual race pics :(  I didnt run with a camera because I was INSANE - I misssed so many amazing picture opportunities. And Eric lost track of time at the hotel and didnt come back in time to see me finish.  uhhhhh... took the family and they didnt even see me run :(

It was NOT my best run. I did not hill train nearly as well as I should have. It was HUMID and hot. The hills! I forgot my Garmin so had no clue what my pace was. And did I mention the hills I didnt train for.

My official time was 2:32 - thats 13 minutes slower than my last half marathon.

Sites on the run:
1. I ran 2-3 miles with a newly married Amish couple. She was in the long dress of the Amish and he was in his suspenders and long sleeve shirt - both with Garmins and tennis shoes :)  After 30 min or so running and talking with them, she asked her husband if it was ok if she ran ahead because she wanted a new PR. And off she went leaving us in her dust :) FREAKING AWESOME!
2. A 9 year old and his dad. I passed them at mile 2. From behind they had the EXACT same running stance - it was adorable. Not so adorable when the 9 year old, now on his own, passed me pretty quickly at mile 11!
3. The water stops were outside of the 1 room school houses and it was the Amish kids handing out the water. So cute.
4. The whole community - the Amish kids hanging on the fences watching us run past, the farmers plowing their fields with horses, the gorgeous Amish houses and yards.

The entire time I was running, I was thinking wow I wish I was running with a video camera... it was so pretty.

The good:
1. Started on time
2. Great turn out
3. Talkative group - atleast here and there.
4. Well stocked water/powerade stops
5. Beautiful scenery
6. I ran up EVERY single hill!

The bad:
1. I hate hate hate running by myself and missed having a partner.
2. I forgot my Garmin - I like to know my pace. I tend to slow down without realizing it without it.
3. I wish I would have brought my ipod for the end when I was struggling.
4. The last 4 miles were very very hard for me. Not sure if its the recent change in diet and my body not being used to it yet, the lack of hill training, lack of sleep or what. But I promised myself I would NOT walk and those last few miles I walked four different times. Granted only for a minute or so but still.

I thought ALOT about my 5k VIRGIN friends. The first 3.1 miles I dedicated to you all... and Jennifer B.  there were two different times I thought of you specifically. Mile 2.5 and mile 7 had CRAZY hills (and mile 7 did not show that big of a hill on the map!) and during those I thought of the funny things you would say to get me over them and me cussing at you while you were trying to make me laugh! The last 3.1 miles I kept trying to think you you all aswell... every time I wanted to stop I reminded myself ... if this amazing group of women can run 3 miles and go from NON runners to AWESOME runners then I can get through this last 3.1!

All in all it was a great time. Im glad I did it!
I was TIRED when I got back to the hotel room though! Oh and note to self... DO NOT WEAR GRAY pants... you sweat and look like you peed your pants!

So whats next????

I cannot believe I am going to say this. I am SHOCKED that I want to do this. Roni over at Ronisweigh.com has once again inspired me. Whats next???

Its time to add to the credits list that I am a bad ass tough mudder mother! Im currently getting a team together and in June 2013 we will tackle the Tough Mudder. I have some major work to do from now until then... goal weight and some major upper body strength training. OMG I feel like I may have gone insane!

   

I feel AWESOME

I havent done a lot of talking about it  - but I have jumped on the paleo bandwagon. Im day 5. AND I FEEL AWESOME!!!

I was NOT saying that 2 days ago... day three was ROUGH. I had the worst headache EVER and had NO energy. Felt like I was underwater. It was not fun. Seeing that I have a half marathon tomorrow, I almost threw up my hands and said "screw it" until after the race. Im so glad I didnt. Yesterday I didnt have a headache at all and today I woke up with new found energy.

Im a bit worried about going away this weekend - eating out and running a long race to where Im starving - its intimidating. But I have decided to give myself some leverage. I can add a bit of dairy or what not as long as most of my intake is more paleo. I will not give in to wheat though. I have no desire to feel the wheat withdrawl again.

Initially I wanted to do it for easy weight loss and I didnt understand WHY we were eating what we were eating or WHY we werent eating certain things. I talked with a friend and she suggested the book

What an amazing book - it is eye opening to me to really see what certain foods do to your body and why you feel the way you do. There is a specific chapter where they are talking about a normal persons "heathy eating" ... you know whole grains, low fat, yogurt ect. They take you through hour by hour and why you feel certain crashes ect. It felt like they were talking about me - eye opening. really. 

a break from daily weighting?

I am a daily weigher - more specifically first thing in the morning, after I have peed and naked :)

Most of the time this serves a great purpose. If I did awesome the day before I will be rewarded with even a 0.2 loss. If I didnt then I will see the water weight the next morning from eating out or what not.

Well yesterday I thought I did pretty awesome. I was within my calories and while I didnt do cardio, I did weights. Got on the scale and while Im still less than my official weigt from last wed, I was up almost a pound from yesterday. I feel stiff and my fingers feel swollen.

I relooked at my food journal from yesterday. Yes I had 2 little boxes of nerds that I didnt put on there :( and I had way more carbs than I normally do with having an english muffin for breakfast and dinner and a special  k crisp thing. Oh and I only drank 2 cups of water - the rest was coffee or a diet coke.

Ive decided not to reweigh until the official weigh in this coming wed, try to clean up my diet with the processed stuff, more water (I say that a lot, why is it so freaking hard?), and keep up with the exercise.

Ive done a lot of "good" things this week - all in all Im happy with how I am doing.

My good things
1. I have worked out every day but friday when I worked. Including todays workout Im already at 3.5 hours.
2. Last night I was starving and instead of giving in to cereal or whatever else I wanted to shove in my piehole -I roasted some veggies instead
3. I have realized after eating something sweet, I have to get that sweet taste out of my mouth or I cant stop eating more and more.
4. I didnt go out to eat last night even when E offered. I was in a funk and it would have been bad bad bad.

Challenge Toronto...

I am letting everyone I know... and even you all that I do not really "know"... know about the challenge I am undertaking. Lets call it the Toronto challenge...

In 5 weeks I will be at my first medical conference - and while I am sad and stressed about leaving my hubby and kids for 6 days, I am super excited to go and have some me time, interact with my peers, hang out with Katie and remind myself why I love doing what I do.

But I want to go to this conference feeling strong, happy, confident. To help do this I would love to hit my first weight loss goal since I started my facebook weight loss challenge. I want to be in the 150s. I want to say good bye to the 160s so bad! I have been going back and forth between 165 and 172 for months now and Im ready for it to be done! So that means I need to lose 6-8 lbs in the next 5 weeks. Totally do-able. I just need to focus!

And then hopefully I can fit into my fall clothes from two years ago... and of course a new outfit or two for the trip!