who I want to be...

I feel off the wagon a few days ago. On day 16 of my 30 days of whole30. Ok I didnt really fall... I jumped. I jumped MOUTH first into a crap load of crap. And then continued down that path for another 2 full days. It was disgusting.

And two weeks before that I fell of the exercise wagon. I had no desire to do anything. And I felt like crud.

Ok let me back up a bit. Last time I did the whole paleo thing, after going through the withdrawl portion, I felt AMAZING. I had MASSIVE amounts of energy. I woke up so freaking happy.

I started the whole30 expecting those feelings to come back and then some. But while I was eating right... I wasnt getting nearly enough sleep and wasnt working out at all. And shocker - those feelings of amazement never came. And then I had the "well fuck it" attitude and well here I am.

Yesterday I was looking at Roni's blog, Ronisweigh.com, and she had a video of her running the zombie 5k in a neighboring town. She exuded something I want so badly... self acceptance and confidence. She knows who she is and is who she wants to be.

It made me think. It made me think that Im not acting out who I want to be. Im not doing the basic things that I would need to get to that place. And its NOT about weight. Its NOT about getting back into my size 8 jeans or seeing a magical number on the scale. It is about being healthy, active, glowing in my skin. Its about being happy.

Now how to get there....

5k virgins!

I had the most amazing day! The weather was PERFECT and so was the company! Today 11 gals ran their very first 5k. I am like a crazy proud momma right now! They all did AMAZING! I was blown away by some of their times!  The rest of the day will be go go go - first I made sure to enjoy a nice hot bubble bath. In a bit we are heading to a kids play at the community college then dinner out. My step mom flys back to Texas in the morning. So sad. Here are a few pics...

Waiting for the bus. 45 degrees but felt colder and yes it was still dark outside!

My step mom (3 weeks after finishing her 3rd 70.3!) lead us in a quick warm up.

The group pre-run

My step mom and I waiting to begin!

A few of the girls waiting cheering on the others!

Post run - feeling AWESOME!

One of the girls husband got a running pic of me right before the finish - wish I would have smiled :)

Rock star!

Real quick... I am a ROCK star! 

Last night I made 3 dozen chocolate chip cookies. NOT A SINGLE BITE, lick or taste. Today was G's party - I didnt eat pizza, chips, candy, cupcakes, cookies, NADA! I ate the almonds I brought and called it a day. 

I almost gave in because I wanted something and felt like I deserved something... then my bf said something that struck through the desire for junk. I said "I almost want to eat something then just restart the 30 days tomorrow". Her response, "If you do that you will keep doing it ALL your life"

Ummm - yes, your right. I made a commitment to myself. And Im worth it. 

Day 10 - 20 to go!

I am here - promise and 100% still on plan! Today is day 10!!!! I may not be able to post until day 12 or 13 but I promise you I am in this for the long haul.  (For those of you that dont know Im doing the whole30 challenge... 1/3 of the way there!)

I have a few big challenges coming up. 

First we have family visiting from Texas - granted they are pretty healthy too and I was up front on my eating right now so they are not expecting big meals, desserts ect... but I like to host and normally my hosting revolves around yummy food! uhhh. 

Second, Gavin has a party for his class that we are hosting Saturday. The menu? Horrible kid food (once I successfully make the paleo switch over the family is coming with me next) but for right now they arent. So its pizza, chips, cookies, cupcakes. A whole bunch of CRAP. Im taking 2 hard boiled eggs and some berries to tide me over while we are there then will eat once we are home. 

Sunday is crazy busy. My wonderful group of women Im training will be running their first 5k that morning. Followed by brunch - while not my farm fresh eggs ... it will be easy to stay whole 30 compliant. Then we are taking G to a kids play and going to dinner afterwards. I have NOT been to a restaurant in over 10 days. I am nervous about that. I plan to go online saturday and prepick the restaurant and my food now. No leaving it up to chance. 

I wanted to weigh myself this morning - proud of me that I didnt. Why is the scale so demanding of my attention?

Anyways this had to be quick - need to get out the door and to work. After my 12 hours I have 5 days off woohoo! 

RIght now I am letting everyone know that next week starting with the run on Saturday - I need to get my exercise grove back on. I love going to the gym... so why did I stop???

I am in mourning...

Day 7 is proving to be more of a struggle than Day 6. 

Last night baby girl had her first stuffy nose and NO ONE got to sleep. She would only sleep if I was holding her so I cat napped in the rocker. I might have gotten 2 hours total of sleep and at 530 brought her to bed with me for maybe another hour. I woke up with a binky indentation on my chest. Fun. Today hasnt been much better either. Its 1pm and she has yet to nap. She freaks out, cries, more snot, more stuffed up and it goes round and round. I am one TIRED momma! 

Not to mention OF COURSE its that time of the month. WTH!?!?! And it appears I am very emotional. I was at the grocery store this morning to get the stuff to make my first bone broth (in crock pot now) and homemade mayo (waiting for room temp eggs) and was in line to check out - there was a magazine of fall pies and I just wanted to sit on the ground and cry and look at the pics and the entire time felt so sorry for myself that I will never be able to just eat whatever I want. I want PIE. I want pumpkin bread. I want Halloween candy. I want a caramel apple with nuts. I want a rich hot chocolate with marshmellows. 

I think I am in mourning! 

hi all...

Im alive - promise :) And doing pretty good too! Just been crazy busy. Got back from Toronto and had some hellacious days at work.

Going to keep this short but I will be back tonight - promise!

Some sneak peaks on tonights post -

• Im on day 6 of Whole30... going strong and feel AWESOME!
• I have a few crazy tasty recipes to share with you!
• T-5 days until the virgin 5k's arent virgins anymore!

See you in a bit - Im off to give 200 elementary students the flu mist - fun fun. Love being a helper in Gs school this year!

back on track...

Feeling good! I was a little home sick but ended up having a great trip and enjoyed myself but very happy to be home and with the family. No desire to ever be single or without my kids, ever.

Anyways I have been back on point - today I have been 100% dairy free, legume free, grain free and about 90% extra sugar/artificial sweetener free. WOOHOO.

Took today off on the sleeping standpoint - got in at 3am and enjoyed the rest.
But the rest of the week looks as follows...

Tuesday October 9^th

• Crossfit – three rounds for time
• 10 kettlebell swings with 15lbs
• 20 box jumps
• 30 sit ups
• Run 4 miles

Wednesday October 10^th

• Crossfit – 3 rounds for time
• 30 wall shots
• 30 squat snatches with 20 lbs
• Yoga

Thursday October 11^th

• Crossfit – 5 rounds
• Run 500 meters
• 15 bench presses with 20 lbs

Friday October 12^th

• Crossfit
• 100 lunges
• 100 pushups
• 100 situps
• 100 squats

Saturday October 13^th

• No crossfit
• Run 5k

I am sooooo home sick!

I am so incredibly home sick - beyond homesick.

Im at the end of day 4 - 2 more days to go and all I want to do is get in the car and head home. I miss my husband and kids more than I thought was possible.

Toronto part 1

We made it into Toronto in record time - had a great drive with great company, sang Glee music the entire time and chatted it up.

Checked in to the hotel, checked into the conference and then we were free for the night. Walked around a bit, checked out the subways system then headed to china town and saw some odd art on the way.

We decided to eat at a Vietamese restaurant - it was so yummy and so out of our comfort zone - love it! On the way out we realized that Ceasar the dog whisperer was eating at a table by himself :) Very cool.

We were exhausted from the drive and walking so made it an early night. I video skyped with my family back home and curled into bed with a book at 930pm. At 130 am I finished the book - uhhh.

So 715 am came very early this morning. I promised myself I was going to run so I got up, got dressed and out the door. I forgot my ipod in the car and accidentally left my garmin in the room so I just took off. It was an awesome - 4ish mile - run. I was so deep into people watching that I completely missed my plan turn and ran farther than planned :)

Here I am back in the room after my run

I made quite a few observations about running in Toronto
1. This is a young business city - I saw only a handful of people over the age of 50.
2. This is NOT a kid friendly city. I saw not one single baby, kid, child, or teenager. Not one single school or school bus. It was odd.
3. This is a fit city. I saw thousands of people walking to work. Thousands... it felt a bit like NYC... of those thousands I counted 8 (yes I counted) overweight people. They were all women and over half were older. This is a young fit healthy city.
4. The clothes - omg the clothes. It felt like everyone was on a runway. The style here is amazing and I was very jealous since I have no style.

Ok off to shower and get busy on my day - our first lecture this morning was canceled so we have a bit before the conference starts. Shopping anyone?

I am so stressed out

OMG I feel like I am going to have a panic attack. My stomach is up in my chest. My heart is racing. I dont know how people with panic issues handle this!?! I am normally a very well planned nonstressed out person.

In 30 hours I will be in a car on my way to Toronto for a nurse practitioner conference - my first. Im excited but OMG the things I need to do before hand!

Its interesting to me the difference between dads and moms. If my husband was going away all he would have to do is pack his bag, say bye to the kids and go. But no... moms do not have it that easy.

Before leaving I have to

1. Make eric a list for each day on where the kids are and what he has to do with getting them, how much to pay the sitter, what days to leave food out for the dog sitter, which homework is what night, ect
2. send notes in to school for Gs bus passes for the week
3. pack Gs bag for going camping while Im gone
4. pack bre's overnight bag for my moms

and the list goes on and on. 

put the scale away

Yes I took away my scale. I have decided to let the scale take a vacation. It definatley needed one - it has worked way too much lately :)

Yes things are going to be off track for a bit going to Canada but I will take it day by day and try to make smarter decisions. When I get back I have committed to doing the whole30 to clear out all this crap in my body.

And when ALL that is done - I will revisit my little friend. Instead Im going to focus on listening to my body, my successes, my awesome family, how my clothes fit ect... not the number on the scale to decide what mood I will be in that day.