A good day...

So I started the morning making my way back to a weight watchers meeting. And I am soooo glad I did! Yes I found that I gained alittle over 5 lbs since the last time I was there... Im at 163... that is a HUGE gain for me! BUT it was like the meeting was made for me. The discussion was about hitting obsticles and either quiting or succeeding... up until today I had been a quitter. I would hit one little obsticle - someone said something that hurt my feelings, stress, busy day, ect and I would hit a wall and then eat everything that wasnt nailed down. It was a good meeting. I need them!

Then I headed to the gym... I was on the treadmill for three freaking hours - about 15 miles, Im a slow runner. The last 30 min HURT to the point where I walked most of it but I was ok with that. I need to get to the running store and get new shoes. Around mile 11-12 my toes were pretty much numb.

Got my feelings hurt a bit on something private. I deserved it but that didnt stop me from feeling it. I push people away and come acrossed as a bitch way more than I would like to admit- I have a tendency to push people away and be rude before they can realize that I am not awesome. That they will reject me. I do it alot.

I am a woman with a plan...

Yes the last few weeks (months) I have been falling deeper and deeper into a big black hole of self pity and depression. It has NOT been pretty and Im sure you all are sick of hearing me whine over and over about how horrible Im doing lately.

Well no one is going to throw me a life raft...if I am going to crawl out of this hole then I need to start reaching to get out on my own, you know?

First - at 930 tomorrow morning I WILL be at a weight watchers meeting. I havent been in weeks and even longer since I have actually stayed for the meeting. Tomorrow, althought the weigh in will be HORRIBLE and I will get THAT look from the WW person... I will go with a smile and stay.

Second - I went on my insurance website and printed out the info for all of the therapist covered in my area. Tomorrow Im going to make some phone calls and see if I can find one that fits and try to work through my issues.

Third - I was getting VERY discouraged about this marathon thing. I am WAY behind on my marathon training. I should be on 16 or 17 miles right now but I have only done double digit runs twice since November! Training for the half marathon was sooooo much easier. It was during the spring/summer for training - much better weather. Nicole, my running partner, and I got together almost once a week and wow what a difference that made. We pushed each other and made it so much more fun. I havent seen Nicole since November :( Our schedules just havent jived together. The weather and the holidays definately havent helped. Today I reached out to her and told her my concerns and that part of me is seriously thinking about cutting back to the half marathon. Im so glad I did. She made me feel so much better. She was positive and had a plan. We will get there. So tomorrow after my WW meeting I will be at the gym to run 15 miles or as a viewer mentioned only 3 5-milers! I was hoping to do it outside and had a route set up and everything but the snow just hasnt been cleaned safely enough from the sides of the road... I would be too close to traffic. Not safe. So treadmill here I come.

So I have a plan... I have a rope and Im reaching for it with all my might to get out of this hole.

blah blah blah blah

Ive had a few moments the last few days - sorry I havent been on lately. I have been in the black hole of myself. Yesterday I ate and ate like I would never get to eat again. I was rude to people that I had no place being rude to. I took everything someone said to me the wrong way. Everytime someone gives me a compliment on the way I look now, inside I cringe and feel awful for no real reason then I eat. I dont feel like I deserve the attention.

I have been off my antidepressant for 2 months now - after the marathon in march Im going to try to have a baby and wanted it all out of my system... wow what a difference. My positiveness is GONE. My drive, focus... gone. My ability to function - so so but not nearly what it was.

I think I need to see a shrink but have no clue how to go about finding one that deals with binge eating, body image issues. Any suggestions?

random thoughts

1. I keep getting my little bubble popped... I get excited about something and then its like the rug gets pulled out from underneith of me and Im reminded that Im not important.

2. I need to get over my running hump. 5 miles feels awesome. I enjoy every moment of it - for the most part. The problem is I am supposed to be running 15 this week... not 5! uhhhh

3. After a HORRIBLE eating day yesterday - today I have been right on point. And while I was about to eat an orange, a thought popped into my head "why on earth give in to fruit snacks when I can have FRUIT"???

snow day

Snow day = HORRIBLE eating and NO exercise... including my 30 day shred. Bummed, sort of. Enjoyed the day witht eh family and friends though.

Tomorrow is 15 mile run... on a treadmill! Hello there are tons of snow out there!

so far so good...

The self talking/ questioning has really helped today. I have found myself in the "do I need this" dialogue alot today.

I unexpectantly had to park in the garage at work because of snow which means walking passed the daily grind (coffee shop) which I dont normally have to walk by. I went in for a coffee. Almost got a soy latte and a scone. Self talk = drip coffee with a touch of soy milk and no scone.

Lunch - I brought chicken breast meat with me with the plan to get steamed veggies from the cafeteria to go with it. They only had two types of veggies both obviously in WAY too much butter/oil. I looked at the salad bar - they only had full fat dressings. I briefly thought about my go to bad meal at work - grilled cheese and big serving of fries dipped in malt vinegar and old bay then dipped in mayo/ketchup... so so so yummy. Self talk = getting a cup of the broth based soup and shredding my chicken into it, a banana, and the carrots and hummus I brought from home.

After work I ran into target to get a new book - CANDY BAR... self talk = walking out with just my book.

So far so good.

I have just finished an egg white/cheese sandwich on lite english muffin for dinner. I have 7 points left over for my evening snacking.

I will stay within my 29 daily points.

talking to myself...

Yup today Im going to practice the act of talking to myself. I started last night and its working pretty good.

When I want to munch on something, sneak something, eat just to eat, eat junk ect I will go through the following dialoge...

1. Are you hungry?
2. Should you be eating this?
3. Is this a good choice?
4. Would others say what you are about to eat if they saw you was a good idea?
5. Do you really need it or is something else going on?

Literally last night I wanted some munchkins before bed and I stood in the kitchen and asked me these questions out loud. The answer to all of them was NO... so I went and brushed my teeth and went to bed!

Was hoping to head to early am spin class but we got snow last night so canceled :( Enjoyed my extra hour of sleep though! Time to hit the shower and get ready for work. Hope everyone has a great day! Im going to try my best!

BEST DESSERT EVER!!!

And its zero points!!!

I cannot get over how YUMMY this was!

Banana "soft serve" ala banana split!

I was over on greenlitebites and was excited to see that Roni made a new video. I have tried to make this fake banana icecream before and it did NOT come out like I hoped. But thank goodness for Roni and her video. Adding the vanilla extract and seeing how her's came out let me know that I wasnt doing it long enough. Mine looked JUST like hers... and it was YUMMY!

I diced up some fresh pineapple and put the "icecream" on top... it really did have a feel of a banana split - so so so good and definately hit the spot.

I cant wait until my bananas are more ripe to do it again!

On a side note I went to the gym today and got a great 5 mile run. I was aiming for 10 mile run then working out with Rach but friendship came first... my awesome friend left her 4 month old daughter in the gym daycare for the first time. It was very hard on her and I am so proud of her for being strong enough to do it! After I saw her we went and walked for 10 min then went back and checked on baby girl again. Then I tought her how to use a few weight machines and we called the workout over early. Baby steps but she did it!!!!

And after G went to bed I had NO desire to do my 3rd day of 30 day shred... BUT I DID IT!!! YAAAA me! I went up to level 2... OMG! SO SO SO much harder and if she said "get into plank" one more time! uhhh... but I survived!

After my post yesterday I gave in to the eating but... I wont lie. I admitted it to Rach already today. Im not lying about my eating anymore - I need to face it head on. My extra weekly points are GONE ... its day 2. So I need to suck it up and push myself and lots of planning!

food food and more food

Its CRAZY how much I think about food. I think about food from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. I think about what time I can eat and how long I have to wait between meals. I think of what I would rather be eating then what I am actually eating. I think about if people would see me eat "insert food here" and if they cant see me, does it really count. I think of food ALL OF THE TIME!

I hate it! Im guessing people that do not have a weight problem do not have the relationship with food that I do. I love it and hate it all at the same time. I bet some people out there only think of food as fuel. Or only thinks of food when their stomach starts to tell them they are hungry. I wish I was that kind of person. I also wonder as I tackle this problem if a portion of me becomes more like one of those people... I hope so. I dont want to be obsessed with food for the rest of my life.

Today all in all has been a good day. I stayed right on plan food wise... having said that I used all of my points and now is when I get into trouble. Now is when I want to SNACK ... I can consume a massive amount of calories after some people are already in bed!

Todays food:
Breakfast - shakeology shake with almond milk and a banana
Snack - 100 cal pack of almonds
Lunch - grilled chicken breast, brown rice, veggies, hummus
Snack - carrots and hummus, apple slices
Dinner - Grilled chicken breast with mushrooms, green beans
Evening snack - lite english muffin, peanut butter and melted marshmellows - yummy!

I had 1 cup coffee today with lite soy milk and 2 cans of diet soda in addition to a massive amount of ice water.... I peed ALOT today!

So points are gone... now is when I want to munch so I am thinking about food right now ALOT. It sucks.

Worked until 8pm - picked up my little man from the sitters and then after getting him to bed I did day 2 of the 30 day shred! WOOHOO!

I need to get through another hour or two of no food... why oh why is this so hard?

a quick note

I started this blog almost a year ago. Tonight I wanted to come on and post about the positives and things that I have accomplished in this past year.

Unfortinately I am in a funk. I feel fat. I have continued to gain weight. I am having horrible self image issues right now. My silent voice is saying not so great things to myself. So tonight... maybe not the best night to talk about the last 12 months. I dont want to put down the accomplishments I have made because of how I currently am feeling about myself.

Until next time...

this next week....

My weeks for ww starts on monday so as far as Im concerned thats the beginning of each new week. Sundays will be my plan week. Here goes...

Exercise plan
Monday: 30 day shred, 5 mile run
Tuesday: 30 day shred, 10 mile run, something with rach
Wed: 30 day shred
Thur:30 day shred, spin class, something with rach
Fri: 30 day shred, 15 mile run
sat: 30 day shred
sun:30 day shred, 5 mile run maybe

Breakfast: Shakeology shakes every day this week for breakfast

Lunch: Mon, wed, sat sun Im at work and will either pack left overs from the night before or go get chicken and veggies from the cafeteria.

Dinners:
Monday:chicken and veggies from work cafeteria, eaten early so i can run when I get home
Tues: Chicken and garlic in the claypot, brocoli, other veggies
Wed: left overs from tues
Thur: breakfast for dinner; make big pot of veggie lentil soup
friday: something vegitarian or something in clay pot- want to get recipe book today
Sat: left overs
Sun: left overs

Snacks: almonds, applies, bananas, oranges

Feels good to have a plan to fall back on!

sunday

Happy sunday everyone. Today is my ONLY day off -back to work tomorrow. Not that I can really complain - after wed I have 6 or 7 days off yaaaa! But today I have a TON to do!

We have had a bit of family drama and my mom has decided to have a trial seperation from my step dad and moved yesterday so we are spending most of our day over there helping her unpack.

The rest of the day includes: making sure Im home for nap for G, grocery shopping, gym, making dinner. I really really want to get my room straightened up too - the mess is completly stressing me out.

I havent decided what I want to do at the gym yet today. I really wanted to run 15 miles today but that just isnt going to happen. I want to do it outside and its 10 degrees and I just dont have that in me for the treadmill today. SO 15 miles will probually happen on tuesday... also on a treadmill since its supposed to snow mon tues and wed... god I HATE winter training.... WHAT WAS I THINKING!

So today at the gym I will probually run 5 miles and do an hour on the elliptical. I want to start the 30 day shred too.

Eating was HORRIBLE the last 3 days. I hate how easily I go off plan. I have been giving alot of thought lately of health wise. I wanted to lose weight to feel pretty. To be small. To have cuter clothes. Yes I said I wanted to lose weight because I wanted to be a good example, have energy, ect ect but truthfully I wanted to look good. Very vain reasons. I have been giving alot of thought of my dads horrible diabetes and how I could be heading down that route. I think about the 40 year old female that had a huge heart attack that I took care of yesterday. I think about the free radicals that are in all the processed crap and what that does to our bodies. I want to live a long healthy life. Yes the bonus is you look and feel great but there are so many other reasons.

Yesterday Roni at ronisweigh inspired me yet again. She said "do what you can when you can" ... its all of the little things along the way. Keep doing every little thing you can. Its not all or nothing. It does not have to be PERFECT. And when you arent perfect then dont give up... you just keep making smarter choices when you can.

mia

Im still here - promise. Work has been ridiculously busy the last few days and I have been getting home just in time to eat dinner and go to bed. I need to get dressed and out the door as I type but wanted to say hi.

I want to throw my damn snooze button alarm clock out the window. I have had great plans to start the 30 day shred every day this week before work but no my sleepy self hasnt allowed me to get up. I have had my gym bag packed to go after work but havent been getting out until 9ish and Im tired :) SO no work outs in the past 3 days.

Eating so so but could be a bit better.

Im off tomorrow - will play catch up promise :)

Hope everyone is having a great weekend - off to work I go...

much needed

Not feeling so blah today afterall!

First my bestie officially joined my gym today... very excited! And very proud of her... if you know her then you know thats a big step! Hopefully she will come to love it like I have.

She text me around lunch time asking if I would meet her at the gym for a bit - I was sore and feeling blah but said of course and even went an hour early and got a full weight training/core session in. Then did 20 min on the elliptical and 20 min on the treadmill. Not as calorie burning as I usually do BUT I am/was super sore and ran 13 miles yesterday. It was JUST what I needed and now Im not nearly as sore any m0re... love how that works!

Eating has been pretty decent today too - and I cooked quite a bit to get me through 3 days at work.

I made "cream" of veggie soup which is super easy. I roasted some red and yellow peppers, steamed a ton of cauliflower. Then in a blender mix the peppers, cauliflower, silk tofu, chicken broth and a touch of white wine vinager. Surprisingly good!

I also made a big batch of veggies and brown rice - I saute a ton of onion, garlic, mushrooms, fresh baby spinach, brocoli and some fresh parsley. Then I made some brown rice and mixed all of it together. Technically just the brown rice is 3 points per 1/2 cup but my mixture is more veggie then rice but Im still counting it as 3 points per 1/2 cup.

I grilled a ton of chicken too.

Dinner was the rice mixture with a tsp of hummus mixed in, chicken, green beans... yummy!

I even have 5 points left over that Im going to enjoy 1/2 cup light vanilla icecream with 1/2 banana and some sauted cinnimon apple slices. yummy!

Tomorrow Im heading to the gym after work as long as work isnt horrible - if its bad then I will do an off day tomorrow instead of friday. Which if we get snow like they are calling for it, may be a better idea. I really need to get in a 10 mile run but wont have time for that after work so Im just going to run the 80 min until my treadmill turns off... should be between 8-9 miles.

Oh and my wonderful husband fixed my lap top... I then dropped it on the floor and now its broken again :(

And no I did NOT get around to cleaning my room today - oh well.

feeling alittle blah

I got to sleep in this morning - made hubby get up with little man and take him to preschool. But did I wake up refreshed? NOPE I woke up feeling very blah. My body is quiet sore and Im so bummed that I have to go back to work tomorrow.

Ive had 6 days off, just because. Im not bummed that I have to go to work, I love my job. Im bummed that I really didnt get anything done on those 6 days off. My house is still a mess. My room still massively disorganized. And all I want to do today is curl up on the couch, eat and do nothing.

Obviously Im not going to let that happen - but boy its what my body/mind is trying to do.
I will be heading to the gym or downstairs to get some form of workout in today.
I will minimally clean my bedroom today.
I will be goofy and silly and play with my little man today.
I will NOT give into this funk.
I will continue to track today and not give in to food.
I will make a decent sized dinner so I have food for the next 3 days at work.

On a side note PLEASE check out Mama on the move HERE her most recent post was very inspiring. FYI Im the "friend" from the shoe store.

quick update

This will be fast - my lap top is dying so Im on hubbys and I HATE his laptop... it doesnt like me.

Quick run down of the gym this morning - it sleeted/rained/iced/snowed last night and the roads were slick. Schools were canceled today. But I headed to the gym - and it was EMPTY. Maybe 10 cars... it was very quiet. I hit the treadmill. 5 miles, stretch, 5 miles, stretch, then attempted an additional 5 miles and I HIT A WALL... I ended up doing 3 more and it was a HARD three miles for a total of 13 miles. Longest run since my half in Oct. Longest run on a treadmill EVER. Kind of proud of myself :)

I am SOOORREE though! I was pretty sore before heading to the gym today from the elliptical yesterday. I did alot of backwards going high level work... back of my legs and butt were screaming. Then the 13 mile run... wow. My legs are sore. Im walking like an old lady.

But Im proud of me :)

ice storm = treadmill for a LONG time

Today is a long run. 15 miles to be exact. My first distance over the half marathon. BUT mother nature has made our rodes wet, slippery, and icy with a snow/ice storm last night and now rain so looks like I will be heading to the gym. Plan: 3 treadmills - 5 miles each. I dont run fast so this will take me close to 3 hours. Which is just sad when yesterday I read another awesome running blogger who ran a full marathon on the treadmill in alittle over 3 hours.

I am a bit sore today - guessing I will be really sore tonight after this run. I did the elliptical yesterday which I rarely do and did alot of backwards movements... my hiney is sore!

Im charging my camera right now and promise some pics to go with post soon :)

What are you doing to get moving today?

losing...finally!

woohoo Im officially in the negative again :) Yes its only one pound since my last documented weight but its actually alittle over 2 lbs this week since I didnt post my yet another gain from last week :)

Didnt make it to the gym in time for the spin class this morning since we slept in a bit but I was there regardless and did 1 hour on the elliptical and got my sweat on and then upper body and core weights with Rachael. I love having someone else to push and teach... it keeps me focused!

Tomorrow is a LONG run ... on the calander and its in my head... has to happen! Im a bit behind on my marathon training. Was hoping to do it outside but they are calling for some ice and rain in the am so treadmill it will be. The biggest challange will NOT be the distance but my will power and mind. I can do it!

Oh and wanted to share my newest favorite thing... a clay pot... for cooking that is! I need to get a cooking book. It allows you to cook with out oil and extra sauces and makes things super moist... LOVE it!

Tomorrow before my ridiculously long treadmill run Im braving going back to WW meetings... and staying for the actual meeting!

so proud of my bestie...

My bestfriend is AWESOME. She went COMPLETLY out of her comfort zone and came to try out the gym today, signed up for a 7 day pass to try it out and is even coming back tomorrow. If you are reading this... you rock and Im so proud of you! We can totally do this together!

On a side note the new thai chopped chicken salad at panera is freaking awesome! And a full salad is only 9 points. I got the half salad, half chicken noodle soup for 8 points and it was very satisfying and so so so yummy!

the weekend

Just to get this over with - no I did NOT follow my plan this weekend in Jersey.

I did do a few things right... only had 1 alcoholic drink, mixed with diet coke. I had egg whites for breakfast while everyone else had waffles and cheesy eggs. I brought my soup and had that for lunch saturday.

Now the bad - I snacked and snacked and snacked friday. I was out of control. Saturday was better - but I did have ice cream cake, 4 cookies for dessert. I could have done much better. BUT my inlaws sometimes drive me crazy. Yes I know eating is not the answer.

I was very bummed and mad at myself for not taking my workout clothes and hitting my SIL's gym saturday - that would have helped with the stress a bit.

Well those days are done. Ive owned up to them. I will not let that swing into another day.

TIme to get dressed and head to the gym.

Yesterday I weighed myself and was done 2.5 lbs this week yaaa me - but the last two days may have side swiped that. Im not stepping on the scale today because it will bum me out - tomorrow I will do my official weigh in.

a LONG run on a stupid treadmill

About to get dressed and head to the gym for a 13 mile run on a treadmill... that will be a true test of my strength because talk about BORING.

Looking forward to weighing myself today at the gym but for some reason my fingers are swollen so alittle worried Im retaining water.

Todays good bad and a plan...

Happy Thursday Evening everyone!

For todays bad.... not a heck of alot! I did NOT get up to workout today. I was warm and comfy in my bed and just couldnt get up. I was going to run a few or 5 miles when I got off work but its 8pm and Im starving and have decided to run 13 miles in the am so Im taking the day off. And I dont feel bad about it :)

The good... tons!

1. I stayed within my points today!
2. Im proud of me. I decided to go to the daily grind at work today and get a soy latte... havent had one in a while. 3 points and Im ok with that. On the way there I had talked myself into also getting a scone. I told myself that I "deserved" it but I also had the good person on my shoulder saying that I have been good and dont really need it. So I told myself I would look and if I saw something that was super yummy looking - I really wanted a maple or cinnomon super dry scone. So I got there and got my soy latte and they had a cinnomon apple, white chocolate and regular chocolate. None really spoke to me so I said no thank you and moved on to the cafeteria and got a banana instead :) yaaa me!

The plan part -

Tomorrow I am heading to New Jersey to see my hubbys family for our late xmas. Typically I eat like a pig while we are there. My SIL keeps ALOT of snacks and I try them all. I get junk food for the ride to Jersey. I drink a few sodas or a few cocktails. Either way Im NOT good. I have a plan in place this time around. Im not going down that road tomorrow. I know its only a few meals but I know me... I turn that into a binge month... hello decembers 10 lb weight gain!

So tomorrow am I am hitting the gym and getting my first 1/2 marathon distance run since the actual half in October. Afterwards we will be heading out. I plan to pack some healthy snacks - fruit, veggies and dip, almonds. I plan to pack some of the veggie soup I made to take with us. Maybe a shake or two ... nice to have the single package shakes for that reason! I plan to make smarter choices when possible - for example they will make a big breakfast saturday... I will make some egg whites and toast instead. I am saying no to alcohol too... although I really want to make some sangria. I will do the water thing and instead enjoy a dessert instead.

I wont work out saturday - but will need the break after a 13 mile run tomorrow.

I have a plan!

Im excited to get a sneak peak at the scale at the gym tomorrow.

blah

well I didnt wake up early to run like I wanted too - my bed was warm and comfy and my sleepy self just wouldnt get up. Sometimes I dont like my sleepy self very much!

I also couldnt have my normal shake for breakfast because I detest it with water and Im out of almond milk.

I will not let the two things that didnt happen this morning mess up my day. Yes lately I have been ALL or NOTHING but I will not be nothing just because I couldnt be all... you know?

finishing up wed

The good

1. My hubby told me I could have talked him into going out to dinner, I considered it then said NOPE and we went home and ate healthily
2. I did an awesome 5 miles on the tread mill
3. I wrote down EVERYTHING I ate today - even those fruit snacks
4. I went through the dunkin donuts drive through to get a coffee and did NOT get a donut or 3!
5. My haircut is awesome!

The not so good

1. I wanted to run another 5 miles this evening but with my mom coming over and sharing some not great news about her marriage it didnt happen... instead I curled up on the couch with my husband and watch a show he wanted to watch and let him know how much I love him.
2. I gave in on a big bowl of lucky charms at 9pm...wasnt really hungry at all either. I didnt need it. I shouldnt have done it. BUT I tracked it and I owned up to it and Im moving on!

Tomorrow I am going to get those 5 miles in early in the am before work. I will stay on plan all day. I will track. I will drink my water. Plan to not use any more extra weekly points from here on out - friday we head to Jersey and I will need them.

wed post 2

Today will be a multi post kind of day - it will keep me focused and on par.

Sorry if I seem like some bipolar crazy person - I re-read some of my post and one post I am VERY down and the next I am VERY up... same with my weight loss... I never do things in the middle. I need to work on that :)

Just completed 5 awesome miles on the treadmill. I decided to break up my 10 mile run today to two 5 milers for timing purposes but I really pushed myself. Im watching my boys play wii and need to get a shower and head to my hair appt... I love getting my hair cut!

today will be a good day too... it will it will it will

Today I will continue my days of being on plan and making smart choices and putting my health and long term happiness ahead of my short term taste yummy fill the void sort of happiness.

WOW that was one long run on sentence :)

Today is a snow day. I have already been tempted - its one of those morning you get up and make ooeegooee cinnamon rolls or a big stack of pancakes covered in butter and syrup..yumm! But nope I did my normal enjoyable egg white breakfast sandwich.

I plan to make speghetti for dinner but will make speghetti squash for me.

I need to get a 10 mile run in today - havent 100% came up with my plan for that yet though. I will definatly be on the treadmill - most likely on the one downstairs, not at the gym. I have a hair appt at noon so I either need to get down there NOW or wait until after my hair is done. Hate to sweat once my hair is pretty :)

I feel soooo much better when Im eating what my body really needs and exercising. Why do I forget how great this feels and go back to the other way and bad habits soooo quickly.

Tuesday was a success!

No I did not get up and run this morning, didnt sleep well last night and I was tired. BUT did very good in the eating department which is my issue.

For starters I stopped for coffee on the way to work and they had amazing looking homemade muffins that were buy one get one free... I really wanted one... but nope didnt give in!

I meant to eat dinner at work but it got really busy and before I knew it, it was after 9pm and I was just leaving work and STARVING. Its a snowy mess outside and took me forever to get home. But I didnt come home and gorge myself. I snacked on some natural almonds while my planned goat cheese flat bread pizza was done. Now I have 4 points left over and want something chocolatey so I may just have another shakeology shake - yummy.

monday - DONE

Had a great monday - health wise.

If you read my earlier post - I sucessfully got out of bed and went down to the treadmill. Did 30 min at a slightly faster pace then I normally run. It was very hard to get out of bed. It was cold and I almost talked myself out of it - but so glad I did it. It felt great to be moving and sweating. Did some upper body weights when I was done.

On the food front - pretty darn proud of myself right now. As of right now I went one point over my daily allowance.

7am - shakeology shake with unsweetened almond milk and 1/2 tbsp natural pb = 6 points
10am - 100 cal pack almonds 3 points
1pm - chicken breast, mushrooms, brocoli 6 points
2pm - apple slices/ pineapple slices 0 points
4pm- coffee with skim milk, banana 1 point
5pm - chicken noodle soup 3 points
6pm - pretzel 5 points (shouldnt have but oh well I did)
830pm - goat cheese pizza on flat bread 6 points
30 points
I get 29 so -1.

It is taking EVERYTHING in me not to have a chocolate chip giant cookie that my nonhelpful husband brought home! BUT IM NOT GIVING IN. I want success WAY more than I want a stupid cookie!

awesome monday

Monday has started off with a bang! Actually got up when my alarm went off and went straight to the treadmill!

Fast pace 3 mile run - done!
Upper body weights - done!

I feel awesome! Hope this feeling continues through the day. Sitting here drinking my peanut butter choc shakeology shake for breakfast then need to get little man up - both of us dressed and out the door.

Monday here I come!

I have a plan...

Im going into this week with a plan... and IM STICKING TO IT DAMN IT! Sorry for the cursing but I need a good quick swift kick in the butt.

Here is the workout plan
Monday - I work but will get up and do 30 min treadmill and upper body weights
Tuesday - I work but will get up and do 30 min treadmill and abs
Wed - off work, early morning spin, later 10 mile run
Thur - upper body weights
Fri - Morning spin
Sat - 13 mile run in Jersey

Yes its alot but I need to get thrown back into things. Thats when I do my best. And if I plan 100% and its a busy 100% and I only end up doing 75% then thats still awesome.

Eating wise - here is my plan

• Monday - shake for breakfast, chicken/veggies lunch, goat cheese flat bread pizza for dinner, fruit/nuts for snack.
• Tues - exact same
• Wed - shake for breakfast, soup sandwich for lunch, salmon veggies for dinner. fruit/veggies for snack
• Thur - same as monday but maybe add some soup in there
• Fri and sat we are in jersey - I will do my best.

Wed I have a hair appt which always makes me feel great.

Things I will NOT be doing this week -

1. feeling sorry for myself
2. eating after 9pm when im not even hungry
3. hitting the coffee shop
4. sneak to the gift shop for candy
5. talk my husband into going out to eat

When I feel like I want to binge/munch/inhale/ect when it is NOT a meal time I will... drink 8 oz of water. In 30 min if I still am craving/starving then I will have some fruit of veggies and dip and 8oz more of water. If in another 30 min Im still hungry then I will eat something healthy.

I need to do things right this week. I need to make that start. It will be a hard week but I can do it!

today

Today will be a good day.

Today I will stay within my 29 point range.

Today I will get to the gym and get a long run done.

Today I will hug and play and be goofy with my 4 year old.

Today I will de-christmas my house.

Today I will NOT give in to self pity, lazyness, or blah feelings.

yes another post...

I am sitting here at 10pm wanting to mindlessly munch - more specifically I want a bowl of apple jacks cereal, or two or three :)

BUT im not giving in!

Today is day one of actually staying with my points - yaaa me! 29 points to be exact with a yummy dessert to boot!

Breakfast - egg whites, cheese on lite english muffin
Snack - banana, pinapple slices
Lunch - lite tuna with lite mayo on a english muffin, apple slices
Snack - granola bar, shakeology shake with 1/2 banana
Dinner - chicken with apple topping, brocoli
Dessert - 1 homemade blueberry muffin toasted with 2 slices of grilled pinapple - yummo!

But for a month now I have been binging at night - its very hard to get out of that habit but tonight I am not giving in.

Thank you all so much for your support.

whining...

wow was I whining a bit on that last post - enough to even lose a follower - wow, sorry.

I was having a down day. I have had alot of them lately and have been struggling to shake things.

Roni over at roniweighs.com posted a new podcast today. As with most of her podcast, one of the questions spoke to me. Someone asked about motivation and finding it. Roni answered as she normally does, from the heart and it spoke to mine :) No direct quotes here, but her answer explained that sometimes the "cart needs to go before the horse" (yes your analogy was right :) that sometimes you have to go through the movements and in return you find motivation instead of waiting for motivation to come before starting through the motions. My motivation is OUT the window right now - I keep saying "maybe tomorrow" well NO... today I need to start the movements, the actions and eventually the motivation will return. Hopefully :) She also mentioned that sometimes looking at doing only a few set things week in and week out and not constatnly looking at the big picture helps too. I have been so focused on where I am not and I have lost how far I have come. I keep stressing that I still need to lose 30 lbs instead of thinking about the steps I need to keep taking that will eventually get me there.

So thank you Roni.

I am prmising right here, right now - I will be going to WW every single week and STAYING for the meeting. Period. Whether its good or bad I will be there. This week it will be either tomorrow - hopefully - or wed. I work my regular tuesday meeting - well guess I cant say regular since I hardly ever go :)

I will start moving back in the right direction. I will I will I will.
Today I restarted journaling. Its a step :)

Thank you for the comments yesterday - it meant alot. For the member I lost - sorry I disappointed you.

sick of failing

I feel like I come on here every other day to fess up to my failures. I actually had a moment yesterday where I thought - I cant do this. Why do people look to me for inspiration. I am on a HORRIBLE gaining streak.

I started this journey almost a year ago. It will be a year next month. Yes I lost a total of 50lbs. Yes I gained back now 10-12 lbs. Yes I started making exercise a part of my life. But right now I feel like a complete failure. I almost told myself yesterday - "screw it, lets binge until my birthday in Feb and then start over" - are you kidding me??? Not lets start over on monday, not lets enjoy this weekend (granted I have "enjoyed" the past MONTH!) but lets start over in a month! Do you know how much I can gain in a month? It appears 10-12 lbs!

I feel so incredibly blah. ALL of my jeans are TIGHT and feel crappy. My stomach feels way more flabby. Yet I cant stop eating. I keep trying and then the next thing I know Im binging again. Not something bad here and there but BINGING. I have honestly told myself this week that there is no reason to get 100% back on track because I cant relose the weight as fast as I gained it.

I am definately 100% NOT a role model! So when I get an email from my husbands cousin asking for my assistance on her weight loss because of my own successes... I feel like a fraud!

Yes my last post I was doing a cleanse... well I did the first full day of the cleanse. THEN at 8pm I was convinced myself I was STARVING - I really wasnt. But it turned into 2 big bowls of cereal and some fruit snacks. Yesterday I tried to talk my husband into mexican for lunch - he said no thank goodness. And we ordered pizza for dinner - I got hot wings too... they are like 6 freaking points a piece... and its not like I didnt KNOW what I was doing to my points. I had it somewhere in the back of my head that I would make a big old breakfast this morning or take the boys out because Gavin had a sleep over last night and it was my "excuse". I havent tracked or actually written down ANYTHING I have eaten in well over 2 weeks. I havent gone to actually weigh in at weight watchers in 2 weeks and havent stayed for a meeting in over a month.

I dont know how to get back on track. I dont know how to get back my grove. I need help.

day one done

This is the part of the day that I struggle. I like to graze at night. I like to snack. Normally when Im 100% on plan, I plan for 8 points or so to use after dinner for just that reason.

This was today
7am - shake with 1/2 banana
9am - hard boiled egg (for the run)
1230- shake with 1/2 banana
530pm - baked chicken and tons of brocoli
7pm a few slices of apple
8pm last shake of the night

SO now its a mind over matter ... and it sucks. I want to eat. I want pretzels dipped in peanut butter. I want an english muffin. I want some light ice cream. I want I want I want.

dreaming about food...

Just took the most awesome nap - and yes I dreamt about food. I dreamt that I woke up and decided not to finish the cleanse and made a big old dinner instead.

Ummm not happenning!

Am actually doing it this time... promise!!!

The shakeology cleanse that is - I am officially doing it... not backing out like I have done over and over and over. I have the next four days off - nothing like doing a cleanse for three of them huh?

So far so good - I have gotten two shakes - each with 1/2 a banana, 1 cup water and some ice- in and here are some random thoughts so far.

• I MUCH prefer the shakes with almond milk. With water they arent horrible but they arent great either. With the unsweetenned almond milk they are AMAZING - taste fudgy and awesome.
• I am much more satisfied and not really hungry which surprises me. But like I have said before - I LIKE TO CHEW... :) and it has taken everything out of me not to grab a pretzel or a bite of my sons sandwich ect.
• I did add a hard boiled egg today before my long run - I was concerned with trying to run 12 miles with only a shake on board. Granted it was COLD outside - my 12 mile planned run turned into a 5 mile run and calling and asking hubby to come pick me up.
• Im not much of a salad girl so I will have an assortment of steamed plain veggies and my protein for dinner.

I have tons planned for the rest of the day. First things first, a nap with my favorite 4 year old! I love days off! Im going to tackle some of my house and start taking down some Christmas decorations. I need to get on the treadmill later and finish the 12 miles I started today - booo.

Not pregnant

Let me prephase this by saying - I AM A MORON!

Back up a bit. My IUD came out alittle over 3 weeks ago. My period is due any day now, or like yesterday. Yes we have had sex but we are not trying until after the marathon and we have been as careful as we can and have pulled out every time - yes TMI I know.

Well I have been EXHAUSTED. Last night I went to bed at 830pm and slept 12 hours to wake up just to want to go back to bed. I was also a bit nauseated this mroning. Freaking out I went to get and got a preggo test.

I buy a multi pack and take the first one - faint line. Positive.

OMG OMG OMG

I freaked out! I am not ready to be pregnant. I want to do a few more things first. I want to lose a bit more weight. I want to run a marathon. I want to know Im actually trying, you know?

Well the line was super faint so I went and got a digital one. It was negative. I take another of the first one, negative.

Now Im confused. And surprisingly sad that I may not be pregnant, is that weird?

I decide that I need to wait to use my morning pee because for the second two test my urine was very diluted. And part of me still thought I was pregnant... and was freaking out because I wasnt ready.

then....

I realize Im stupid I went and relooked at the first pregnancy box. It says there are 3 prenancy kits in it. I remember there being 4. Thats odd. So I relook at the box. They included a free fertility test. Turns out Im fertile hehehe... no pregnant!

Now that I KNOW im not - I am actually quite relived and it was the kick in the butt I needed to do everything I want to do in the next 3 months before I really do start trying:)

hey

Dont desert - Im here promise. Here and kicking - just really tired. Seeing a bubble bath and early bed in my future... will update tomorrow... until then!

Shakeology cleanse day one take 2

Officially starting the actual real cleanse today.

Plan
Green tea now
Shake with 1/2 banana this am
Take small blender to work - repeat shake at lunch
apple slices if needed
salad with chicken around 6ish
Shake after I get home from work around 830

Fingers crossed!

third post today :)

I almost bought some running skirts from runningskirts.com.... freaking cute! I have it as a reward and Im not getting it until then!

Next - I decided to finally do a shakeology cleanse... I have my mini blender packed for work tomorrow. Im sticking to it - 100%!

ok on to discuss this new year....

Alot has changed over the past 12 months. Last year I was a stressed out graduate student that was overwelmed most of the time. I was 50 lbs heavier. My skin was gross. I was tired ALL of the time.

Since then I have graduated and now work at an awesome small local community hospital as a nurse practitioner in a mixed surgical/medical ICU. I absolutely LOVE my job (even if lately some changes have been stressing me out). I LOVE going to work. I LOVE the people I work with, I love my role. I love everything about it. Im home way more than I used to be. I get to spend so much more time with Gavin. I have found a love of running - ran my first half marathon and signed up for my first full marathon. I have lost 50 then gained 10 lbs :) I have become a gym rat and LOVE LOVE LOVE spin class. I have put more time and energy into my relationships. All in all the turn of my life in the past 12 months have been very positive and uplifting! I am a MUCH happier person inside and out - even off my meds :)

So what does 2011 bring?

Family wise - Hope to add to our family this year with a baby :) And turn myself into a minivan driving mom :)

Work wise - Continue doing what Im doing. Like I mentioned - I LOVE IT! I want to continue to grow in the role and become more independant in my decision making. And go to a conference.

Health wise - First and foremost, stick with it! Work on my overeating issues. Continue to put my gym membership to good use :) RUN my first marathon and all the training that goes into that! Be a healthy role model for my son. And if I am lucky enough to get preggo then have a much healthier pregnancy then I did previously. Do you notice that my yearly goal isnt to get to a certain size, a certain weight. Yes I have goals for that but all in all I want to be healthy.

Personal - Continue to realize that I am lucky to have everything I have. Dont take things so personal and dont always see the bad side of things right away.

1/1/11

Look at all of those awesome 1's... and today coincidence or not - I aimed for 12 miles but miscalculated the distance and did 11.3 ... so 11 miles on 1:1:11 hehehe...

It was an AMAZING run! Easily the BEST run I have had since the half marathon this past October. I hit snooze a few more times than I would have liked but then my dog made sure I woke up as she whined and whined by my bedroom door to go out and pee. By 8 am I was out the door :) The weather was perfect - upper 30s low 40s... which is very warm compared to how it has been. Practically no wind - I hate hate hate winter wind! The sun was shining. Hardly any cars on the road. Just an overall amazing run. I kept a good pace. Did walk up 2 hills that was run'able back in the fall... but I have been running on a very flat treadmill lately and my body just wasnt ready for those mega hills. I was in the zone the entire run. It was all in all AMAZING - the only thing that would have made it perfect was to have Nicole run with me... I miss my running partner! Hopefully we will get to start training together again soon!

So today was my first double digit run since Oct... very pleased with myself.

The run was followed by a long shower and brunch with hubby. Then off to pick up my favorite little person from my moms... who is still chilling in his pj's at 1230 :) We are going to head off to nap land in a bit, mommy included while hubby heads to work... the best police officer in the world :)

Tomorrow Im back to work for two days - playing with the idea of doing a 2 day cleanse after all :)

I will be back later tonight with some January and 2011 goals :)

starting 2011 off right!

With a 12 mile run and then brunch out with my husband.... off I go!