Sunday, August 18, 2013

Remember this feeling...

Note to self - when you are needing a reminder of why you are doing what you are doing... please re-read this post. Book mark it. Do NOT forget this feeling. 

I am in a black hole of self pity and dispair. I feel disgusting yet I keep doing things that make me feel more disgusting. The last 4 weeks I have fallen further and further into a black hole. I have barely been active. I have talked poorly to myself. I have eaten anything and everything in sight whether I am hungry or not. And the scale is showing all of my hard work to sabatage myself. This morning I weighed in at 177.6. Holy crap.

I have a race coming up with my step mom - a half marathon. I am very behind in training. I was at the beach the last week with the kids and when my mom joined us I decided to get up for the 8 mile run I was due the week before.  It didnt happen like I wanted- I pulled something in my back the night before. I brought no water pack. I ate CRAP for days before and felt GROSS. I set my alarm for 5 am so I could be up and done before the kids were really up and moving. I had to be super quiet and get ready in the dark since I was sharing a bed with Gavin. The bed SUCKED and I barely slept the night before. When my alarm on my phone went off I layed there thinking "just go back to bed your sore and feel gross and wont be able to run anyways" and as I layed there I had an AHA moment. I was laying there and I could feel and hear my heart beating. I know this will sound weird but it sounded so sad. It sounded wounded. Hurt. Not loved or cared for. It was a hollow sad pitiful sound. I decided right then and there that I owe myself so much more. I owe myself love and care like I care for those that matter to me. I got my ass up and went out in the dark and ran. It was only 45 min but it was glorious.

While I was laying there listening to my heart cry out to me I thought of some of the reasons that I want to be healthier and sometimes I need to remind myself of these. They are so much more important than how a doughnut taste or icecream feels.

1. I hate how my body feels right now. I feel so gross in my own skin.

2. I hate feeling like a failure. I am so much stronger than this.

3. I want to fit into all of my clothes and not worry about something I already own not fitting.

4. I want my wedding band AND my engagement band to fit. I'm so proud of who I am married to and I want to show that off.

5. I want to show my children how to love who they are and right now I do not love myself at all.

6. I want to feel proud of myself.

7. I want to want to be in pictures with my kids. I do not get to remake these memories.

8. I want to feel attractive and want to allow my body to be seen and touched by my husband.

9. I do not want to feel like this anymore.

I need this all written out - I hope I am accurately showing how I feel. When I question myself I need to come back and read this. I do not want to be this person anymore.... its not who I am.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Sunday weigh in and a yucky run

Todays weigh in went as expected. 170.8 which means I lost one pound. Not surprised at all. I did AWESOME the first 3 days, bad day 4, so so day 5 and 6 and said fuck it day 7. So any loss I will take. Learn from this week and make better choices for the week to come.

I need to get moving on my training. I have been slacking big time. So this morning I set my alarm and got outside by 6am for a planned 5 mile run. I chose 6 am for two reasons. First it would be cooler. Second, my kids tend to wake up at 8ish so I could run, cool off, shower and have some down time before they wake up. HAHAHAHA. Yea right. First it was ridiculously humid this morning - felt like I was running through soup. Yuck. And secondly.... of course my baby girl was already talking in her crib when I got up this morning and was a screaming mess since when I got back from my run. Yippee.

And it was one of those runs that I cursed the first mile and then started playing games with myself on how far I was going to run. I hate when I do that. I ended at 4 miles today. Im happy its done.

And of course my boy is still sleeping and by the time he gets up Bre will be cranky and ready to go down. We have a busy day today - hubby wants to go out to breakfast (thank god my points restart today), visit his parents and we have a baseball game as a family to go to tonight.