Friday, October 29, 2010

Repeating history - different setting

First the weigh in - I gained a pound this week - back to 155.5. Am I shocked - nope. I havent really journaled, Ive eaten out twice this week and I have eaten a lot of candy.

Some moments I have had in the past few days ...

Last week I was on Carly's blog - Chubby Chicks Run too - she was talking about how if shocker if she actually follows WW then weight comes off. I commented that yes when I follow it I lose easily 2-3 lbs a week, when I dont follow it I gain weight... ummm hello if I know this, and yes I 100% know this... why dont I always follow it?

Then I was on Ronis - on and she posted this from youtube - PRETTY... its something that if you are a women you should 100% listen too ... it spoke to me. I dont have a very good relationship with my mom. We have never been close and she has continuously chosen men over her children (seriouslys, married 5 times, 2 of the weddings I wasnt invited to and one of them I was on vacation with an aunt and had never met the man until she moved me into his house AFTER the wedding when I got back from vacation). She never told me she was proud of me, never told me I was smart, never told me I was pretty, never told me that I could/would be amazing. Because of her I am terrified of having a daughter - of not knowing how to instill self worth in her, of not being able to make her a strong women because I seriously lacked in role models.

I do this thing where I get close to something - to a goal - and then I get exhausted and tired of doing it and completely 100% give up and go into a funk. I did it almost every semester in graduate school - I would be rocking class, a solid strong A and then a month to go I would just not care anymore. Suck at my last few assignments, barely study and get a B. But worse - when I do that - I pull away from EVERYONE. Friends, family, classmates. I go into a shell of myself. I start some major self loathing. I dont think Im worthy of anything. Its bad cycle. I do it with everything that means something to me, expecially my weight loss and right now Im starting one of those funks. Im starting to pull away from people. I am officially recognizing it - now how to I prevent it?

As for the Hot 100 challange
Goal 1- lose 1lbs a week... nope gained one lb...
Goal 2 - make exercise and my health a priority - yes and no, I have been taking my water every where I go. I have slacked the last 2 days at the gym.
Goal 3 special time with my family - I went on a date with my kid last week.. it was fun!
Ive completely slacked on my goals - Im doing the same thing to this challange that I do to everything.

Ok self loathing over - how do I fix it???


  1. You didn't completely slack on your goals, you did something with your kids right? I think that is the most important!! Tomorrow starts a new day, sounds cheesy but true! Stay positive!

  2. I completely understand where you are coming from! Sometimes you have to look deep down and tell yourself that you are worth it (which for me is the hardest thing to do). Like Debbie's a new week to start over and make better choices. Good luck!

  3. Wow. Your mom sounds like my dad - married and divorced 6 times. My mom died when I was 12, so I understand mourning the loss of any positive female role.

    If you had a daughter, you would know from your experience how to love her to pieces, how to make her feel important and wanted. I think that is what you missed as a child. But YOU wouldn't let that happen.

    I have 3 daughters. We struggle, they have insecurities, but they know they are loved by two hearts bursting for them, mine and my husband's.

    You are doing great. Be confident in who you are as a woman and don't let yourself live in the shadow of someone who is obviously nothing like you. :)

  4. something nice for yourself. I love bookstores, so I will go to a used book store and spend a couple hours browsing books. For some reason, it makes me happy. Pamper yourself. Take a bath or get a manipedi. Do something with and for you, no one else invited, not one else participates. Just you! Take a walk in the beautiful fall foliage. Pay attention to the sound the dried leaves make when you step on them or the way the air feels as you breath it in through your cold nose. Be present just for you.
    I get the same feeling when I'm close to a goal. Not sure if it's I don't care anymore or if it's my fear of not being perfect so giving up before I get the proof that I'm in fact not good enough or if it's just that I think I'm home free so I no longer have to try as much. Whatever it is, it totally drains me. Sucks my soul dry and that turns into a vicious cycle and I end up climbing in my bed, covering myself, and hiding from everything feeling overwhelmed. Best solution is to feed your soul what it needs...LOVE.

    Glad you're still here, Hottie! :)

  5. Thanks for the video link, it was compelling. Sorry about your Mom, that has to be rough. My Mom was always there for me but not a great weigh role model - we ate what was cheapest and in abundance. You've had a rough week, it's past, let it go and next week can and will be better. I also like to idea of pampering yourself - do it!

  6. Thanks everyone - today I decided to get myself back. Started the day with my first ever run with my husband - 7.5 miles. I need to schedule a massage!