First the weigh in - I gained a pound this week - back to 155.5. Am I shocked - nope. I havent really journaled, Ive eaten out twice this week and I have eaten a lot of candy.
Some moments I have had in the past few days ...
Last week I was on Carly's blog - Chubby Chicks Run too - she was talking about how if shocker if she actually follows WW then weight comes off. I commented that yes when I follow it I lose easily 2-3 lbs a week, when I dont follow it I gain weight... ummm hello if I know this, and yes I 100% know this... why dont I always follow it?
Then I was on Ronis - on Ronisweigh.com and she posted this from youtube - PRETTY... its something that if you are a women you should 100% listen too ... it spoke to me. I dont have a very good relationship with my mom. We have never been close and she has continuously chosen men over her children (seriouslys, married 5 times, 2 of the weddings I wasnt invited to and one of them I was on vacation with an aunt and had never met the man until she moved me into his house AFTER the wedding when I got back from vacation). She never told me she was proud of me, never told me I was smart, never told me I was pretty, never told me that I could/would be amazing. Because of her I am terrified of having a daughter - of not knowing how to instill self worth in her, of not being able to make her a strong women because I seriously lacked in role models.
I do this thing where I get close to something - to a goal - and then I get exhausted and tired of doing it and completely 100% give up and go into a funk. I did it almost every semester in graduate school - I would be rocking class, a solid strong A and then a month to go I would just not care anymore. Suck at my last few assignments, barely study and get a B. But worse - when I do that - I pull away from EVERYONE. Friends, family, classmates. I go into a shell of myself. I start some major self loathing. I dont think Im worthy of anything. Its bad cycle. I do it with everything that means something to me, expecially my weight loss and right now Im starting one of those funks. Im starting to pull away from people. I am officially recognizing it - now how to I prevent it?
As for the Hot 100 challange
Goal 1- lose 1lbs a week... nope gained one lb...
Goal 2 - make exercise and my health a priority - yes and no, I have been taking my water every where I go. I have slacked the last 2 days at the gym.
Goal 3 special time with my family - I went on a date with my kid last week.. it was fun!
Ive completely slacked on my goals - Im doing the same thing to this challange that I do to everything.
Ok self loathing over - how do I fix it???