Sunday, August 18, 2013

Remember this feeling...

Note to self - when you are needing a reminder of why you are doing what you are doing... please re-read this post. Book mark it. Do NOT forget this feeling. 

I am in a black hole of self pity and dispair. I feel disgusting yet I keep doing things that make me feel more disgusting. The last 4 weeks I have fallen further and further into a black hole. I have barely been active. I have talked poorly to myself. I have eaten anything and everything in sight whether I am hungry or not. And the scale is showing all of my hard work to sabatage myself. This morning I weighed in at 177.6. Holy crap.

I have a race coming up with my step mom - a half marathon. I am very behind in training. I was at the beach the last week with the kids and when my mom joined us I decided to get up for the 8 mile run I was due the week before.  It didnt happen like I wanted- I pulled something in my back the night before. I brought no water pack. I ate CRAP for days before and felt GROSS. I set my alarm for 5 am so I could be up and done before the kids were really up and moving. I had to be super quiet and get ready in the dark since I was sharing a bed with Gavin. The bed SUCKED and I barely slept the night before. When my alarm on my phone went off I layed there thinking "just go back to bed your sore and feel gross and wont be able to run anyways" and as I layed there I had an AHA moment. I was laying there and I could feel and hear my heart beating. I know this will sound weird but it sounded so sad. It sounded wounded. Hurt. Not loved or cared for. It was a hollow sad pitiful sound. I decided right then and there that I owe myself so much more. I owe myself love and care like I care for those that matter to me. I got my ass up and went out in the dark and ran. It was only 45 min but it was glorious.

While I was laying there listening to my heart cry out to me I thought of some of the reasons that I want to be healthier and sometimes I need to remind myself of these. They are so much more important than how a doughnut taste or icecream feels.

1. I hate how my body feels right now. I feel so gross in my own skin.

2. I hate feeling like a failure. I am so much stronger than this.

3. I want to fit into all of my clothes and not worry about something I already own not fitting.

4. I want my wedding band AND my engagement band to fit. I'm so proud of who I am married to and I want to show that off.

5. I want to show my children how to love who they are and right now I do not love myself at all.

6. I want to feel proud of myself.

7. I want to want to be in pictures with my kids. I do not get to remake these memories.

8. I want to feel attractive and want to allow my body to be seen and touched by my husband.

9. I do not want to feel like this anymore.

I need this all written out - I hope I am accurately showing how I feel. When I question myself I need to come back and read this. I do not want to be this person anymore.... its not who I am.