Sunday, February 28, 2010

do you see my ticker???

Do you see it? HUH HUH??? Yes today was not a weigh in day and its a day earlier but I couldnt help myself... my first weigh in in the past 8 years that I have been below 180!!! Yes its only 0.5lb less than 180 but its a start. My last few weight loss journeys I couldnt get below 181.

Yes, it will fluctuate and right now sitting here at lunch time Im sure Im 181 but regardless I was very excited this morning!!!

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Random thoughts...

Ok first happy thoughts then stressed thoughts :)

I have some new favorite food staples in my house -
1. Brown rice with sauted onions and garlic mixed in
2. cornish hens - so tender :)
3. yoplaits delights - rasperry chocolate with frozen rasberries mixed in
4. lemon juice to mix in my water
5. bagel thins - great for sandwiches
6. roasted garlic hummus - surprisingly low in calories, great for carrots or a spread on your sandwich.
7. peanut butter fiber one bars from the fridge.

There are many more but nothing is sticking into my head.

So now stressed thoughts - it is taking EVERYTHING in me not to weigh myself. I have thought about the damn scale almost every minute of every day since last monday. No I havent weighed myself but I have wanted to over and over and over - every time I think about it I tell myself wait until tomarrow. Then tomarrow I tell myself wait until the next day. Eventually I will get to weigh in day. But that doesnt mean I havent thought about that stupid number - I think about it ALL the time. Why can one number have so much control over my life? Why cant I be happy with the way my body is feeling or the way my clothes are starting to feel or the happiness I get after a great run? WHY do I have to be so controlled by a number that shouldnt matter???

And the other thing that has me so stressed out is what if I weigh in on Monday and my weight is up... what if I am doing EVERYTHING right and nothing happens. What if I am working my ass off in my gym and staying within my calorie range - not splurging AT ALL and the weight doesnt come off anymore... what if I get stuck here? When I get stuck I quit - that is my normal pattern - and then I gain back everything plus alittle.
OK so the name of this drink is "the green monster" - ummm mine didnt turn out green. I think I might have added too much fruit. But for the record you couldnt taste the spinach at all. I think next time I need to add more spinach and less fruit. And I used baby spinach - not sure if that made a difference or not.

My not so green monster

1 handful of baby spinach
1 cup unsweetenned almond milk
1/2 cup blue berries
1/2 cup strawberries
1 medium banana
handful of ice
= 7 points for the entire blender, so about 1.5 points per glass

Gavin really like it too! It was tasty. Weird aftertaste but not bad weird... I will try again another day. Maybe add some flaxseed???

Friday, February 26, 2010


Today I was going through a few of my fav healthy blogs - there are so so so many inspiring women out there blogging. Here are a few that have inspired me this week...

1. - she is such an inspiration. She has been there and came out on the other side while being a mom and a wife.

2. - her weekly pictures make you realize that little changes really add up over time!

3. - wow! And amazing healthy packing food ideas with great pics!

I was reading through some of my favorite blogs and each one inspired for a different reason.

Today I have been
1. Reminded to look back at myself when I was younger. When I was in highschool I thought I was huge - now I look back mad at myself... why didnt I have more self confidence. I should have been happy. The grass always look greener... I need to be happy with the here and now. I am a good person NOW.
2. Take pictures - lots of them. I might hate how I look now but seeing little changes over the weeks will keep me going.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

what was up with me yesterday?

So last night I was in a funk - for no particular reason but a funk none the less. I allowed negative self thoughts into my head and for a moment believed them. It sucks how you can be the one to take yourself down...

On a positive note, unlike in the past, my self loathing didnt turn into a pig eating fest.

Today will be a better day - I need to remind myself occationally that I have alot to be proud of...
1. I am a GREAT mom
2. My hubby is very lucky to have me :)
3. Im smart
4. I am accomplished in my career
5. Sometimes I can be funny
6. I have new muscles in places that used to be all flabby
7. I am becoming a runner
8. I have a nice warm home and can pay my bills :)
9. I care about people

I have good characteristics and I need to remember them alittle more often.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


I have been sitting here thinking about friendship this evening. I think, along with alot of others, sometimes I feel as if I have a few close friends. And sometimes I feel very friendless... its not a good feeling.

I look at some of my old friends - occationally see them on FB or something and I look at their pics and they have all these exciting "friend" times - out with the girls, big surprise bday parties, graduation parties ect... I feel like I have missed out on the friendship thing. I see the moms at preschool that have buddied up.

Dont get me wrong - I have one or two people I talk to on a regular basis and feel pretty close to but sometimes I dont nessessarily feel as if they feel the same way. Is that corney?

Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult???

This goes back to my weigh issues as well. When I was a sophmore in High School - I felt on top of the world. I played three varsity sports, I was in several clubs and had friends in several different "cliques" - then my life changed. I was sent to Texas to live with my father but not told I wasnt coming home until I was already in Texas. I never got to say goodbye to those that meant alot to me. I moved to a town where everyone had known each other since birth. Everyone was very country and I stuck out like a sore thumb. I became shy and very worried about what people thought of me - something I had NEVER done before. Since then I still struggle with trying to please people and make them like me - something I hate about myself. I constantly feel like Im on the outside. I constantly feel like the 3rd wheel most of the times.

And I put alot of those feelings on my weight - I have told myself over the years that I dont fit in because Im heavy. Im shy and dont have a ton of friends because Im self conscious about my weight. But what if its not the weight? What if I lose all of this and dont gain anything? What if I dont have close friends because Im not a good person?

Im willing a good day...

It will be a good day. It will be a good day...

It is 545 am, Im about to leave for work but had a few minutes so here I am. I did NOT get up early to work out - I was in sleepy land and it was fabulous. I slept like a baby last night! I woke up quite sore from class last night - what a great feeling.

Ok the not so great feeling - consuming 6 points worth of stupid ass fruit snacks at 10pm last night... what the hell?!? I KNOW I cant stop at one pack, I KNOW I have NO self control when it comes to them yet I still 1. bring them into the house and 2. start with one pack thinking I wont eat more... I should know... history repeats itself EVERY time. I should not have brought the kind I like in the house - I should have just let G get the race car ones that I think taste like butt and wont eat. Next time.

I am packing a light dinner for work tonight in the hopes that I will get a workout in after I get home and wont be starving instead at 8pm. I still have 7 points left over for after workout to enjoy something since Im sure I will be alittle hungry.

It will be a good day - it will be a good day!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010


Boring title but I wanted to write and there isnt a specific topic...

I got on the scale today... WHY DO I DO THAT?!? I am freaking addicted to it! It was down 0.5lbs since yesterday but seriously - why cant I just be surprised come each monday? huh? huh? huh?

I treated myself to slightly expensive new running shoes with some major arch support - wow what a difference they made! My step felt instantly better! I felt like an athlete going to a running store and getting real help and buying real running shoes... woohoo Im a runner!

I am dying to try them out but have decided to let my sore muscle recover alittle. That doesnt mean Im doing nothing though! I am going to my swim class tonight and hitting the elliptical tomarrow. Then thursday I will try out the new shoes on the treadmill!

Im proud of me that Im going to the swim class tonight - I could have easily bailed on it. My swim class partner is not feeling well and wont be joining me, her hubby was supposed to watch G this week since E is working. So I got my mom to watch G and Im heading to the class alone on a wet cold evening. But Im happy Im going! Expecially since Im not running tonight.

I hope this healthy vibe continues - I LOVE the way it makes me feel. I love how my body feels, how my energy is elevated, how Im smiling and 5 million times nicer.

My other gift to myself - Im heading for a nap. :)

Need new shoes...

I put new running shoes on the agenda for a reward in 5 more pounds (175!) - I think I may be pushing that up as an early present to myself. I think I have my first running type injury. The inside left portion of my right calf where the muscle reaches the bone is sore. Not horrible sore but sore enough for me to notice it with every step and keeping me from running today. I ran through it yesterday but I think that was not the best idea - funny that yesterday was one of my best runs!

So I did some research on it - while if it hurt more it could be a stress fracture of my tibia - dont think thats it. I read something about how runners (woohoo I just put myself in the same catagory as runners), anyways as runners run they use their calf muscles a ton but not the muscles opposite of that and it can cause an imbalance and put stress on the area where I have pain. It also said that flat feet can contribute... wonder if I have flat feet? SO their suggestions - rest, ice after running, and new shoes with arch support.

I have never had a good pair of running shoes - I think Im going to head to Charm City Run in Bel air and get my stride looked at and a new pair of shoes... If Im going to run then I need to treat my body well.

I am not running today - I really want to but dont want to hurt myself. I have swim class tonight so that may be better on the leg.

Monday, February 22, 2010


I am BORED out of my freaking mind.

When Im bored I want to EAT.

It has taken everything in me not to eat and eat and eat today.

I cant figure out what I want to do.

Gavins friend is over playing with him and they dont want mom hanging around.

I will not eat I will not eat I will not eat....

What do you do when you are completely 100% bored and house bound?

And the scale says....

That number is haunting me! That is the lowest I can ever get. But staying positive... I lost 4 lbs this week. I think I may have been so stressed about the number and almost willed the 181 weight to stick around since last wednesday. I have also been very stressed about my coming certification exam... my life revolves around that test - if I fail it then I lose the job waiting for me. What is stressing me more is not knowing when it will be and the wait - sucks!
So going into this next week - next monday starts week 8 of my journey. Next monday I will redo my measurements and see if there are any differences. While Im hoping to be officially in the 170s next week - Im sticking with my goals from last week. NO weighing in - period - until next monday. 5 runs this week in addition to my swimming class and an extra day of weights.

Sunday, February 21, 2010

24hours to see if I reached my goal....

This time tomarrow I will be weighing in - I have been weighing almost every morning. I didnt this morning, I was worried it would set me up for a bad day so I decided against it. So this time tomarrow I will step on the scale and either make my goal or not. If Im am 181 I will SCREAM since I have been 181 since last Wednesday.

Im at work today - work is typically a good day diet wise. I pack my lunch and have stopped buying ANYTHING when Im at work so it is only what I bring and I only bring healthy stuff.

I didnt get up to work out today - surprise surprise. I think I needed a day off though - I woke up with some calf pain and tightness. Tomarrow will be a long run day though.

845pm - I just finished dinner - healthy calorie wise but probually way too much sodium. I put in the toaster oven a piece of frozen grilled tilapia and made me some mashed potatoes healthy style. I really should have made a veggie too but didnt. I worry that it was too much sodium and its going to fuck up my weigh in tomarrow. I have 3 points left over for the day - I think I am going to end the day with a piece of chocolate :)

After tomarrows weigh - next weeks goal... NO WEIGHING IN until the following MONDAY. Next week there will be no pound challange. Here is next weeks challange
2. RUN 5 days this week - mon, tues, thur, fri, sat

Saturday, February 20, 2010


That is how my stomach feels right now. I made my new favorite meal with the speghetti squash and zucchini tonight to have while everyone else was having super cheesy lasagna. I decided to make it even better I would roast the squash instead of microwave it. EWWW - it was sweet and mushy and has left my stomach feeling a mess... I am so freaking bloated and miserable right now.

And the two pieces of buttery garlic bread was definately not nessessary. I think it may have ruined my chance to get to 180 on monday morning.

I need a good day tomarrow. I wish I could get up and work up in the am but I just cant get up that early.

181 181 181

That number and my scale are in conspiracy against me... I think they hate me :)

EVERY single time I try to lose weight I will get to 181... and it stays. Day after day, week after week the damn scale says 181 until I quit. EVERY SINGLE TIME!

This week so far I have lost 4 lbs - yes and no - since some of that was from last week but I was retaining water from that wonderful time of the month. So yes I am so so so excited that I have come that far and I have today and tomarrow before mondays weigh in... one more pound to go to get to my weekly challange I set for myself.

Having said that - I have weighed myself every morning for the past 3 mornings. 181, 181, 181. Last night I decided to weigh myself before bed to see what the difference is in my am and pm weights... 181 !Seriously? SO I thought for sure if my before bed weight last night was 181 then today in the am it had to ATLEAST be 180.5... nope 181.

I HATE THAT NUMBER... I just want to break away from that number and never look back.

Yes I know its a number but that particular number means something to be - its a personal demon that I need to defeat. Yes I am feeling smaller :) Yes my clothes are fitting better :) Yes my mood is SOOOO much better :) But I fear that I will be stuck here and my mind over body will win and the number and myself will defeat me again.

And I have to say, last night I was alittle bummed. My inlaws came over for dinner. I havent seen them in a few weeks and neither of them mentioned I looked alittle smaller - I thought it was super obvious but I guess not.

So I am tackleing this scale... I am logging off here and hitting the treadmill. Boy I cant wait for this damn beautiful snow to go away so I can run outside! Anyways todays goal - walk 5 min, run 25 min straight. Starting next run I am adding 1 min to my run time every run with the goal to get to 60 min of running straight.

Eric wants to go out to breakfast today and I may say ok but I will be ordering 1 piece of bacon (1 point), 1 egg (2 points) and a dry english muffin (2 points) with coffee. 5 point breakfast out ... I would rather have pancakes but not happenning today. Tonight is my moms birthday dinner at my house... I have control that way. I am making them a cheesy lasagna and making a dish of speghetti squash/zucchini fake lasagna that I will have. I am making fresh bread for them and my version of sandwich thin garlic bread for me. I will be having a slice of cake though :) But the cake will be made with applesauce and Im going to try the trick where you rebeat the store bought icing to double the volume and only use half of that.

Eric made the comment that I cant keep depriving myself of things - he wanted to go get icecream - I told him he was right in a way. I want to get closer to my goal weight then I will splurge here and there and kick out a massive workout to make up for it. But when you are trying to lose and you splurge then the workout only keeps you even - I want to be in the negative. Plus I have an issue stopping once I start to splurge. I havent found that happy mix yet. Plus Im doing so good that I dont want to mess that up!

OK off to run...

Friday, February 19, 2010

I want to eat...

Its 11pm - I am DONE for the day. I have eaten all but 1 of my points for the day. I have drank enough water. I made the decision to stop eating after my popcorn at 8pm. I dont need anything. BUT I WANT TO EAT...
*fruit snacks
*an english muffin with peanut butter
*G's V day candy
*a bowl of cereal

and right now as I type it I want it more and more. Its the old habits trying to sneak in - it used to be NOTHING for me to have 2 or 3 full snacks from dinner to bed. Probually 600-1000 calories extra that I didnt need. NOT anymore! Food does not control me!

I think instead I am bored - time for bed... off I go, do not pass the kitchen, do not collect 200 calories :)

Day five of the 5lb challange week

Today was a GREAT day! I got up and had an amazing run on the treadmill, boy was I a sweaty mess. Then went sledding with hubby and little man - which was a workout within itself walking back up that hill over and over. Then a healthy soup only lunch at panera (I will get back to this) followed by manicures and pedicures with my awesome friend. Then dinner at home with the inlaws and when Im signed off here, a movie with my hubby... I have had a BIG smile on my face ALL day - its been great. Only better if I would have gotten some studying in... tomarrow will be study day - in addition to making a cake and dinner for my moms bday....

Ok back to Panera. I love me some panera. My old go to meal was a pick two with brocoli cheddar soup and a panini with a hunk of bread slathered in butter, medium soda and a big old cookie when I was done... It was very yummy and I liked it alot. Unfortinately that is no more, I can only imagine the points in that meal... my guess is 4 for the soup, 8 for the 1/2 panini, 6 for the hunk of bread and butter, 4 for the soda and 8-10 for the giant cookie. Probually between 20-30 points... for ONE MEAL. I get 28 points a day! Todays lunch consisted of a large bowl of VERY yummy veggie soup (2 points) and a small apple (1) with a free glass of water with lemon. What a difference that makes!

730 coffee
9am egg on muffin with cheese 4 points
11am fiber one bar 2 points
1 pm Panera 3 points
330pm fiber one bar 2 points
6pm baked breaded chicken, 1/2 cup mac and cheese, brocoli, zucchini 12 points
total 23
I will have a snack in alittle bit during the movie and then Im done for the night.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Had a few aha moments today...

When I first started WW back in the day, I had a HARD time understanding how I could ever use less points. I would get 28 or 29 but have to use a few of my weekly points every day. I would think of others in WW that are maintenence and only get 21 or 23 points a day and think how the hell do they do that? I thought then that there is NO way I could ever eat that little of calories.

Then today I had an aha moment. I have trully been following this for a few weeks now. On average eating 1200-1400 calories a day. With planning and eating healthy, I have a problem getting all my points in. I am not nearly as hungry as I used to be. My stomach is getting smaller -shrinking. That makes perfect sense why later on I wont need as many calories... I just never got that before.

I thought I may be hungry for the rest of my life.

Day four of the five lb challange week...

750am -
Im annoyed this morning. Today is day two of not being able to wake up and get working out. I dont know why my sleepy self has such a problem with this! I am getting enough sleep - 7 to 8 hours - I have slept in my work out clothes, I put my alarm all the way acrossed the room. Yet I cant shake the dream like state in the am and actually get up. My sleepy self talks me into resetting the alarm or turning it off until G wakes up. Then when I get up I am so made at myself. If I was off it wouldnt be a big deal, I just go workout as soon as I get up. But NO I worked yesterday and again today. I have a narrow window of time before G wakes up and the chaos of trying to get us both out of the house starts. My goal today is again do alot of stairs at work and try to get in a 30 min walk in at a steep incline when I get home. Tomarrow and Sat I am off so I should be able to get great workouts in - maybe I should even do double work outs to make up for the last two days. On a postive note, food wise Im doing GREAT this week!

1115am -

I dont have a patient yet so I have some down time. I just wanted to post that I had someone come up to me and tell me they noticed I have lost weight... what a GREAT thing to hear! I just realized as I sit here that I actually "feel" smaller now. My step is lighter, my clothes fit better. I feel SO much better. I have felt like this before, what I dont understand is how - knowing that this feels SO SO SO much better - how is it that in the past I have stopped and felt like crud again?

This morning at work I took the stairs to the 8th floor to check in at the nursing office - by the time I got to the top I was sweating and very out of breath... you should have seen the secretary when I went to check in and had to sit for a minute and catch my breath - they thought I was dying. It was kind of funny :)


730am coffee, egg on muffin with slice of cheese 4 points
1130am fiber one bar 2 points
2pm Veggie stuff 5 points
5pm cottage cheese doubler 3 points
7pm apple, carrots 1 point
8pm chocolate kisses 1 point
9pm salmon and mashed potatoes 8 points
total 24points

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Day three of the 5lb week challange


Im alittle peeved with myself - I didnt get up to work out AGAIN. After yesterdays blah workout I just couldnt get motivated to get out of bed. Once Im out of bed Im fine but I cant seem to get moving. I have tried and tried to enlist my husband to help - telling him to pull me out of bed, do NOT leave work until Im physically out of our bedroom and moving. But, he says that I tell him to reset the alarm or what ever in the am... I tell him to ignore what I say, Im NOT AWAKE! But he doesnt. So now I wont be able to get a formal workout in today - I work 10am to 10pm and I have to get G to daycare before my one hour commute... busy busy. I will strive to take the stairs every where today and try to get some pushups and situps done when I get home before bed.

I have packed my entire days food before I went to bed last night. I will post my food journal later. Based on what I packed, I have 6 points left over for the day - I may treat myself to one SMALL cookie or a small vanilla soft serve cone ... maybe not, not sure.

There are pistatio cracker things in the break room. I had 6... I need to back away from the bag. They are 15 for 3 points so it hasnt undone me since I had 6 extra points. but I want to eat and eat and eat them. They are salty and so so yummy... I just finished lunch, about to have a large water.

Food Journal
730am 1 whole egg, 1 egg white on english muffin 3 points
10am coffee with skim milk and splenda with fiber
1pm 6 crackers, sandwich, apple 7 points
330pm cottage cheese doubler 3 points
6pm sandwich 4 points
7pm carrots 0 points
830pm fake lasanga 4-5 points
930 yogurt 2 points
total 24 points...

Im alittle worried that I am under my points every day. I know there is a chance that Im right on since I may be underestimating my points but I try to over estimate for that reason. And today I didnt eat bites of anything that I didnt account for.

This morning I weighed myself ... yes I know its not monday and I SHOULD NOT BE WEIGHING myself EVERY DAY! But I couldnt help it. It was 180.5... Im not counting that yet, not until Monday. But if that is really my weight, not just a false low... Im freaking excited!

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Day two of the 5lb challange week...

Today is day two of my goal 5lbs this week. I will try to keep all post from today into this one post and just edit it as the day goes by.

I didnt get up in time to run this morning. I think I stayed up too late last night. I went to bed at 10 but I was starting to feel tired earlier and I should have just went to bed. So when my alarm went off at 6am I was dreaming about visiting Kathy in Hawaii and couldnt get out of bed.. couldnt shake the dream. So I got up alittle after 7 - but Gavin gets up at 730 and will freak if he couldnt find me. I have to have him settled at Racheals and back by 9 for my study group so it wont fit in... uhhhh... and I know this sounds like excuses. But I cant run any other time today. My study group wont be over until 3ish. I have to have Gavin dressed and ready for pics at 415. Then swim class at 630. I cant run right before or after swimming because I wont be able to walk! They have to spread out or they kill me and I dont do well in what ever I do second.

So I will get 60 min of workout in today and I will make sure I push myself the most I can for the full 60 min. What ever muscle group she doesnt do, I will do at home. I cant do it before because I dont know what she will target this week.

I read something helpful on a fellow CM's blog today

It gave great tips on trully watching what goes in your mouth. This was a big part of what I needed to do when I started. Its amazing how fast calories add up if you are not paying attention and also how shocking how fast they add up on things you dont really need to add to your meal, that you wont even notice a difference taste wise if it was gone. What also struck me was what she said about a "cheat" day. I know from personal experience that I dont do well on cheat days when I allow them. I dont listen to my bodies cues - I try to eat every single thing I have been missing that week in one day. I probually consume triple my normal calories - and what does that do to my weight loss... massively stalls it! I also have a problem not cheating the next day and the day after - it almost becomes a cheat week, that leads to a cheat month and regain of all my weight. That is what I normally do... so lets pass on the cheat days. When Im at goal maybe there will be a place for it but not right now.

745 pm
Its been a busy day. Unfortinately my swim class got canceled tonight. I ate a snack on my way to get G's pics done and was gone WAY longer than I planned. Of course I didnt pack a healthy snack in the car and I caved for a Auntie Annes pretzel. I ate 3 bites of it and handed it to Gavin. I decided to get a long run in since I didnt get either of the workouts I planned. It didnt go so well either. I planned to walk 5 min, run 25 min and then do some sprints. I have alot of excuses to put here, like my back hurt and Im still hungry and blah blah blah but the truth is my mind won. So I ran about 8 min and just didnt want to run anymore. I tried to salvage what I could though. I got off the treadmill and did free weights biceps then jumped back on the treadmill and ran at 7mph for a minute and got off and did tri's then back on for a few more min then walked uphill for a bit then got off. I ended up doing 30 min and sweated and kept my heart rate up but nothing like I normally do. Im about to eat dinner now. Just trying to cool off first.

Todays Food Journal
0730 2 cups of coffee with fat free creamer and splenda with fiber O points

0930 1 egg, 1 egg white on a low cal english muffin 3 points

1pm panera bread 1/2 cobb salad with NO dressing, small cup of chicken noodle soup, and a small apple. Estimated 9 points

330pm fiber one bar 2 points

6pm couple bites of pretzel estimated points 3

630pm fiber one bar 2 points

8pm speghetti squash and zucchini casserole with sandwich thin toasted 6 points

25 total - that leaves 3 points if Im in massive need of some fruit or yogurt or something but Im aiming to save those in case I underestimated something.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Day one of the 5lb challange week...

So day one is almost done - I think some people may think Im crazy trying REALLY hard to loser 5lbs this week. And they may be right. I will be bummed if it doesnt happen but I have faith in myself and it can happen... so Im trucking along.

So I got my workout in this am, I may or may not try to get a second workout in tonight. I havent decided yet. Tomarrow is a double workout day - running in the am and my swim class in the evening.

Have easily stayed within my 28 daily points. I have 7 or 8 still left. I may use 5 of those tonight for a snack and assume the other three will fit into a miscalculated bite here and there. I made a surprising filling and yummy dinner tonight...

So so yummy - and one of my favorite places to find healthy recipes, and most kid tested.

I drank my water - I took my vitamin.

I waited alittle too long to eat lunch - I was trying to get the sauce started for dinner - so I was starving by the time lunch came. I dont want to get to that point. I did the right thing though. I drank a full glass of water before eating and made myself wait til my food was ready - no snacking. And wait a full 20 min after to see if I was still hungry. Which I wasnt.

My newest favorite go to lunch is morning star spicy black bean burgers.... yummy!

Until tomarrow - tomarrow is a HUGE study day with my study partner, 8 hours or so of studying. I will NOT eat out of tiredness and boredom and bad examples from others!

Day one of 5lb goal...

The pic on the left is from this summer at 198lbs. The pic on the right is from last night at 185lbs.

Read the last post to get what the 5lb goal is all about :)

So today is day one of reaching that goal. I just finished working out - did week 6 day 2 of the couch potatoe to 5k plan

0-5min walked 3.4 mph
5-15min jogged 5.2mph
15-18 walked 3mph
18-28min jogged 5.2mph
28-34 walked to cool down

So I said I would start keeping a picture journal of my weight loss too - plan to take a pic weekly and hopefully in a few weeks will be able to visually see a difference.
I was about to post that I was about to start making my lunch and dinner to take into work but in the last 5 min plans have changed - Gavin just had massive diarrhia and said his tummy hurt... I do NOT want to stomach bug to hit my house! But I think it might have :( so I just called out from work to take care of my little man and will be washing my hands 5 million times today! I do NOT want the stomach bug!!!

gained 1/2 lb...

So I snuck in and weighed myself in the middle of the week and I was down a lb. I weighed myself just now for my normal monday morning weigh in and I was up 1/2 lb from that last weigh in. So I lost 1/2 lb this week total but blah... I was really hoping to see 183 or even 183.5... but no 185.

Yes I went out to dinner two days this week. The two of them might have thrown me over the edge - sucks having a bday week and everything you usually do is surrounded by food. I need to change that. I am also on my period - which may have made me alittle swollen.

Regardless I have vowed that next monday I am going to be 180... I want it SOOOO bad. Yes I know its just a number but I want to get passed the 180 mark that has alluded me year and after year after year. If I can get to 180 next monday then I can work on just getting below it the next week. If I can break that horrible number then I think mentally I will be stronger. There has been several times I have gotten to 181, 182, 183 and just stayed there week after week and then eventually quit and gained a ton. SO I am going to do everything within the healthy realm to get to 180 next monday. Here is what I am going to try to see if it makes a difference...

1. WORK OUT atleast 6 days this week starting today - its 5am, Im up even though I would much rather be back in bed but I forced myself to get up and as soon as Im done typing this Im heading to the treadmill. When I saw 185 on the scale it took almost everything to keep me from moping and going back to bed but Im here!

2. Stay within my daily points, no weekly extra points if I can help it. NO eating out. Period. NO alcohol this week.

3. Change how I time my meals regarding carbs/proteins. I remember reading something awhile ago about trying to get your carbs in on the earlier part of the day and not later in the evening. Right now I tend to eat alot of carbs at dinner - my dinners are healthy but I eat alot of potatoe stuff or a fiber one bar or peanut butter on an english muffin ect in the evening. SO Im going to aim for no carbs after 4pm... so dinner will consist of protein and veggies and snacks will be fruit in the evening. Im not cutting my carbs, just seeing if they make a difference on where I eat them.

4. Water, water, water... my water bottle will be going EVERYwhere with me... Ive been doing really well in the water world so this wont be a struggle.

5. NO pre weighing myself in! Period!!!

Yes I know 5 lbs is a stretch and I may not make it but Im going to try... you need a goal right? I know I shouldnt put my goals into numbers and more into how I feel and how my clothes feel, and yes I have been feeling pretty good - BUT I need to get past this number that has been taunting me for so many years, I want to prove to myself that 180 is not going to defeat me. 180 is NOT the weight I am supposed to be.

So I will be doing alot of posting this week - taking everyone on this weeks journey with me... I need all the help and support I can get!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Starting a photo timeline...

I was reading an article interviewing Helen, the past seasons biggest loser. She listed 7 tips for getting started. Yes, I know the getting started I am well into. 4 weeks into to be exact but one of them stood out to me and Im exciting and alittle bummed I didnt think to do it before!

So tomarrow I am going to start taking pics of me on my weigh in day - labeled with the date and weight and a comment about that week. I will post them on here but will also be keeping a bulletin board at home to keep the photo timeline. So I will try to post the pic tomarrow - I work til 10 pm so if not then definately on tuesday.

Great night last night :)

I had a much needed and wonderful date night with my husband last night. We went to dinner at a great restaurant with a horrible name.... The Airport Inn. The food was amazing. Initially I went in with the plan to stay super healthy with plain fish and veggies. BUT decided to enjoy myself and try new things instead per the wishes of my hubby so yes I went way over my points but NOPE dont feel guilty about it at all. I will make up for it later. Eric and I shared crab stuffed mushrooms, then I had pistatio crusted rack of lamb... so yummy! And then we even decided to share dessert - peanut butter pie. But I only had like 2 small bites and passed, it was too sweet and not worth the calories.. thats a big step for me!

My abs are KILLING me from my workout yesterday... yes a good pain but OUCH!

Today is back to staying 100% within my points after last night. Tomarrow is weigh in... I just want a loss, dont care how big it is. Next week though - I have a goal. I want to weigh 180 a week from tomarrow. So will that be 4 lbs? 2 lbs? Not sure until tomarrow but regardless of what I need to lose, it will happen. I will make sure the extra workouts and what not pay off! I want that massage :) and eric said he wanted to go with me so even better!

Saturday, February 13, 2010

what a workout!

So I did my "official" workout this morning on the treadmill followed by pushups and a variety of ab workouts.

THEN... Gavin and I layered up the clothing and went outside to play. I played like a 3 year old - it was so so so much fun! We have a hill in our back yard and eric made a homemade louge so we would slide down it with our sled then we had to walk back up but you cant walk where the louge is or you would mess it up so we were walking in the untouched snow... the 4 ft of snow... wow that is a workout. THen we had a snowball fight and we chased after the dog for a while. We rolled in the snow and acted like silly people... annoyed I cant find my camera to share some of this with everyone. I came in the house sweating like a big and laughing SO hard.

I feel it but I want to see it...

I have lost slightly over 11 lbs. I feel great, which is a BIG deal but I want to start seeing it too!

I feel happier and have more energy. I can feel the muscles that are building in my legs. I can feel that my abdomen getting alittle tighter. I feel stronger. I have more endurance and breath better with my work outs. I can take the 8 flights of stairs to my car at work without feeling like Im going to die anymore. I now look forward to my workouts now.


I want to SEE the results. I want to go down a size already!!! I want my clothes to fit way better! Come on already -

Yes I know in a few more lbs its bound to happen - I eventually need to go down a size or two or three but sooner would be nice!

On that note Im heading to get my workout/run in on the treadmill. Still cant run outside since there is about 4 ft of snow out there.

I plan to eat pretty conservative today - healthy light breakfast, snacking on lots of raw veggies and an apple, HUGE bowl of my lite veggie soup for lunch since my wonderful husband has reservations for dinner and amazing tickets to the symphony tonight... I dont plan to splurge but want to be able to enjoy myself. Then tomarrow its back to the grind.

I have realized its MUCH easier to stay within my daily points now... before I would have to use my weekly extra points all mixed into my daily points to get through the day. Now 28 points seems like a lot and with planning is very easy. I think I could easily do 25-26. Before I was worried about when I had to decrease my points.

I am alittle worried about when I have lost the weight and figuring out how to maintain. I think a month or so before I get to goal or close to goal, I need to go back to the meetings so I can have some support on the transition.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Is anyone reading this?

Just curious if anyone reads this... is it in the la la land of no one???


I do NOT want to go to work. I want to stay home and enjoy a day off with my wonderful husband and child. I want to go sledding and build a snow fort. But no - Im heading to work. :(

Anyways - I tried to get up to run this morning, even went to bed early but no I didnt get up in time. I could still squeeze it in and rush but I chose to write here instead. Bad, right? I will definately get a run in tomarrow - Im off tomarrow so in the am I will get a good run in. Unfortinately I work sun and mon so I really need to force myself to get a work in atleast one of those days, I feel so much better when it happens, so it needs to happen!

I have been doing decent on the food side of things - I did splurge and have a piece of cake for my bday but it was my 30th bday. I could have done worse. I am alittle worried about dinner out with eric tomarrow but Im going to try to stick to fish and veggies, no appetizer and only a glass or two of wine. Hense why I really need to get those work outs in!

I have decided that I will start treating myself to something fun every 5 lbs starting at 15lbs. I dont think that will happen this monday but Im hopeful for the following Monday. The first gift will be a massage.
15 lbs = massage
20lbs = facial
25lbs = mani/pedi
And somewhere in there will hopefully be new clothes!

I have lost 10 lbs so far and I havent gone down a size yet, my clothes still pretty much fit the same way but I have been here before - it typically doesnt show until about 13-14 lbs. Im too damn short!

I am also alittle concerned about when I hit that 15 lb mark - it will take me to 180lbs.
I have done this weightloss thing SOOOO many times, and I can never break the 180 mark. I have not seen 170's in 8 years :( I always quit before that because I hit a small platue.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Im 30...

Wow, today I am 30. It is crazy to me how fast life happens. I met my husband 10 years ago. 3 1/2 years ago our wonderful little man joined us. I am ready for life to slow down a bit.

This past year has been a busy chaotic but great year. I finished graduate school which was a huge accomplishment. I ran my first 5K. I have decided to pull away from those in my life that were not good for me and feel that I have formed a few amazing friendships. And in the last few weeks I have taken back my health and happiness - I sucked it up and went back on an antidepressant which I really needed but was ashamed to say I needed, I started working out again and watching what I ate.

Initially when I logged on here this morning I was going to write about the things that are annoying me right now ... there are quite a few. Im beyond stressed about things that are NOT in my control... and I have to keep telling myself that. I have no control over certain things and need to not stress over them! I am waiting for my letter to test for my licence but the job thats waiting for me is starting to pressure me to start. And out of the blue I get an email from someone upset with me that I dont want to be their friend. uhhh. Not everyone in life is meant to be friends and Im done faking it - Im done being fake. I just dont have the energy.

Last night Gavin and I made me a bday cake a day early and he sang to me and I opened my few presents. I wish Eric, my sometimes wonderful husband, would be a little sweeter every once in a while. He was just being a PIA when all I wanted was to play Uno with my two favorite guys and then let Gavin sing to me - Gavin was SOOOO excited! but eric was cranky and could have been alittle more into my day (even if it was a day early)

Ok so I did vent a bit - I wasnt going to but oh well there it is.

So my birthday gift to myself today - Im going to run 30 min straight. Im enjoying a cup of coffee right now as I type this then Im heading down to run. Looks like Racheal and Jonas are spending the day with us - yaaaa! And hopefully I will see Sandi, Joshua and Lora today too! And depending on the snow, may or may not be going out to dinner with Racheal. I need the outing and a few laughs so I hope the next foot of snow we are getting tonight doesnt ruin that.

Monday, February 8, 2010

A new monday - A new vision

It has NOT been a good weekend. I was prisioner of the hospital from friday morning until Sunday night. The joys of being a nurse during a blizzard!

I could have made better choices but I didnt. I had pancakes, cake, dessert, bar food, beer... I had a good time, I bonded with my coworkers. But I could have made better choices. It is over now. It is what it is.

NORMALLY this is my M.O. that sets me over the edge. I am not "good" for a few days - which turns into a week. And then I keep talking myself into one more day of being bad then another - until I have gained all my weight back and Im miserable and feel horrible until I start things again.

NOT THIS TIME! Trust me I want to - I have thought about it alot this morning. It would make this week easier - I could make a yummy bday cake for myself today with Gavin. I could have a super nonhealthy yummy dinner out with my BFF for my bday tomarrow and a few margaritas! But that would turn into the entire week and I would feel miserable. I like the feel I have had the past few weeks - I have had more energy and Im smiling more and I am actually proud of myself. I want to keep that feeling.

So I have made the conscious decision to put the weekend behind me. To make a yummy HEALTHY bday dinner and dessert tonight. Go out for a healthy dinner with my BFF. Get a great workout in (didnt do that all weekend either) and make a gigantic snow man outside with my wonderful son that I missed SOOOOO much this weekend!

On a side note - need to share how adorable my son is. Last night when I picked him up from my moms he wouldnt let go of me - I got TONS of hugs and kisses and my more favorite comments
"Mommy Im so lucky to have you"
"Mommy I love you BUNCHES"
"Mommy thank you for helping people in the snow"
WOW I love him!!! He can be SOOOO sweet and surprisingly old for his 3 years of life sometimes.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

I did it!!!!

This morning I conquered the horrible treadmill - it did not defeat me - I won!

I told myself I would run 20 min nonstop - I did my 5 min walk. The picked up the pace. The first 10 min sucked - I didnt want to do it, I thought I had to pee, I thought there is no way I can do this. Then the next 10 min went by and I actually enjoyed the run, the movement, the sweat... I felt awesome!

So funny that I can run outside but not on a treadmill - well not anymore! I think next time Im going to cover up all the numbers though.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Snacking monster attacks..

Stupid sabataging snacking monster attacked and I gave in. I wasnt hungry but NEEDED a snack. But then I had a problem stopping. uhhhh

I wasnt really hungry - I was actually bored. I should have taken a bubble bath and just gone to bed. Which is what Im going to do right now.

Tomarrow Im aiming for a longer run on the treadmill. For some reason I can run much longer and farther out side but the treadmill plays mind games on me - I just get all flustered and then think I cant do it. Tomarrow Im aiming for a 20 min straight treadmill run. I can do this!

I need to start being able to run 3 miles no problem so I can start a 12 week 1/2 marathon training.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

my personal aha moment

So three weeks ago I restarted running.

I didnt want to restart working out. I had NO energy to do it. I had NO time to do it. I just didnt want to do it.

But every other day for the last three weeks I have FORCED myself to get up, move, sweat, run, exercise, ect.

The first 2 weeks I HATED it. I felt out of breath. I felt sore and tired and I still had NO energy to do it and NO time to do it.

Then something changes. When you keep at it. When you do it diligently on a regular routine. When you force yourself past your comfort level, past what you thought you could do... You start to like it. You start to look forward to it. You have more energy throughout the day. You wake up happier. You HAVE to work out or the day just doesnt feel right. You have the enegy to do it and you find time that you didnt think you had to fit it in. You feel proud of yourself.

Unfortinately I have been here before and no how fast and easy this feeling goes away when you stop - within a week or two of not doing it you start to lose the energy it gives.

I know its hard to wrap your head around the vicious cycle - you are tired and need energy to work out but to get energy you have to workout but to work out you need energy - its a HORRIBLE cycle. But you have to blast past that part and it 100% pays off.

Dont make excuses - just do it... you will thank yourself later.

Monday, February 1, 2010

stupid scale

So yesterday was weigh in day - I lost 0.5lbs. I thought for sure it would be atleast 2 - but no. So, so far I have lost 8.5lbs since I restarted getting back on track 3 weeks ago. I guess that is pretty good though when you look at it.

This morning I was out of the shower getting ready for work, when work called and asked me to come in late. I could have went back to bed. I could have watched tv. I could have worked out... woohoo I chose work out! I went down and ran on the treadmill for 30 min. Then had to take another shower, but boy was it worth it. I planned to do another 30 min this evening but that didnt happen - I opted to take a bubble bath instead - also totally worth it.

I think my lack of weight loss this week was multifactorial. First I seriously cut back on caffeine which may have temporarily slowed my metabolism. Second, I had a few days of weakness, while yes I did stay within my weekly points - I definately ate a few things I didnt need to... things that I gave in to emotions not hunger.

This week will be a bit better - I am NOT weighing myself until next monday. I weighed myself at the end of a day in the middle of the week after having a ton of salty stuff - not pretty, and definately doesnt help the mind! I plan to work out 5 days this week. Two done, three to go!

I am also looking for a running partner - someone to push me farther then I will push myself. Someone to keep me motivated... still looking!


Sorry I have been MIA the last few weeks.

CM's biannual "Biggest Loser" is in its 3rd week and I was mainly focusing all of my time over there, unfortinately it is not being nearly as encouraging as it has been in the past. Most of the contestants are not very active and so Im back to writing on here as my therapy and stress reliever. Over there, alot of the contestants are not really working out or eating write so they are not very motivating for me and dont push me to do more... although there is 1 or 2 that are serious competition! I need pushed to be better, do more!

So in the last three weeks I have lost 8.5 lbs - bummed that this week it was only 0.5 lbs. I worked out a bit and really didnt eat that badly, I stayed within my points. But I did take in more salt then normal and did some more comfort eating when I wasnt really hungry, using my extra monthly points when I didnt need to.

I have also decided to drastically cut back on my caffeine intake. I was taking in 1000-2000 mg! They suggest 100-300! That just cant be healthy! So last week I went to 1/2 caf coffee and backed off of the amout of cups as well, next week I will go to 1/4 caf then decaf only with the occational full caf cup off coffee or tea. I dont want to go to zero - just stay within the normal amount.

Working out is going well - I am back in the grove of that and mostly look forward to it. I can run about 2-2.5 miles outside and inside Im doing the couch potatoe to 5K plan again, im on week 6. I have also added weight training to the mix to help me shape up a bit as I lose.

I cant wait to be in the 170's - I have gotten to the low 180s SEVERAL times and then I putter out and sabatage myself and end up in the upper 190s again. I want to get in the 170s solidly and stay there or lower.

You will hopefully see way more of me on here....