Saturday, September 5, 2009

already doing its job...

This blog has already proven to be very effective. It is 955pm. Eric is taking a shower. I am alone in the living room. I had a very filling dinner followed by an awesome dessert that fit within my points. Im not hungry. BUT every inch of my body wants to go into the cabinets and eat and eat and eat. I want to eat fruit snacks, cookies, icecream, the stupid cheetos eric bought at walmart tonight. I want to eat all of them before Eric gets out of the shower so he would never know. But im not.

I promised myself that on days I post a food journal then every single bite that goes into my mouth would go on that posting. Today is a food journal day - hopefully tomarrow will be too - and if it goes in my mouth... if I walk into the kitchen then I have to post what I eat and the amount I can consume in the 10 minutes Eric is showering would disgust me. I could easily consume 1000 calories in that 10 or 15 min. Im not hungry. I have acknowledged that I am not hungry so if I went in there and started eating then I would 100% be trying to fill some other void, not hunger. And I would feel disgusted and like a failure.

The real question is what void am I trying to fill? I wish I knew the answer to that, I would have been much more successful in previous endeavers. I have tried this over and over, I make some head way then I throw a wrench into things and I fall back and then some extremely quickly. Last December I was at my max - 201 lbs. But the question remains... what am I trying to fill? Yes I have a hectic busy life but for the most part its a happy life. I know I am lucky to have the opportunities I have right now. The opportunity to go back to school for my masters with a great husband doing everything he can to support my decision. I am blessed with an amazing three year old and I have a few people I consider true friends. Yes I have issues in my past and I am sure alot of that has to do with my issues, none of which I want to go into tonight. BUT if I want this to work then I need to come to terms with past events which I vow to work on.

1 comment:

  1. Christina - I am SO proud of you! This is an awesome step you're taking. Please always remember, you're not alone! I sat down with Tom last night and discussed that I'm scared for my health. I have high bp and high cholesterol (recently found out) AND read that women that have had preeclampsia are even MORE at risk for heart disease... uh, oh! I'm doomed!! but if I start now, I can reverse some of that risk. We need to do this for our kids if no one else.