bad

I am not doing well right now. I have been eating anything and everything last night and today, I havent paid attention to my points all that much. I am cranky and irritable. I have NO energy and ALL I can think about 24hours/day is taking a nap. I am not normally a glass half empty kind of gal but I am sinking further and further into a funk and I dont know how to change this around.

Im dreading weighing intomarrow - its just going to make my mood worse.

And its a vicious cycle. I will get tons of energy if I get running again, but I cant get running until I have some form of energy which I wont get until I start exercising!

good week but not on the scale!

My scale has been stuck at 183 for almost 2 weeks, every time I weigh myself it says 183. Im starting to think my scale is broken or out to get me!

BUT I havent let the nonmoving number affect me AT all. I have been awesome! I have stayed within my points. I have made healthy food choices - last night I was STARVING when I got home but instead of picking up fast food like I really wanted to do... I came home. Boiled a single small potatoe to mash with fat free sourcream, grilled chicken and brocoli. It felt good afterwards not to be upset with myself. I also need to work on decreasing the diet sodas I consume - it makes me crave sweets and although Im not giving in to the craving they suck. So I have decided that for every diet cherry pepsi I am charging myself one WW point. Yes I know they are zero points but I need to hold myself accountable not to overdo it... if I wanted to then I could EASILY drink a case of sodas in two days!

Im dreading weighing in on thursday. I want a good weigh in!

todays weigh in...

Never made it there! My car wouldnt start when it was time to leave school to head to WW. I left my lights on and my battery was dead as a door nail.

Im feeling blah and cranky!

HATE the scale!

I am SOOOOO close into breaking into the 170's on MY scale (WW is always alittle higher than mine)... yesterday am I was 180.5. I got so excited this morning, the second I woke up I peed then went and stood on the scale praying for 179.5 (it goes by halfs) and the stupid scale said 181.5. That is my naked morning weight today. Today is a WW weigh in evening. So add clothes, drinking and eating today and the fact that their scale is a bit higher ... I will probually GAIN this week! I am so bummed! Besides splurging fri and sat, I have been within my daily points every day since and do not see a good weigh in tonight :( totally bums me out!

:)

It has been a stressful week. For no particular reason - just feeling really stressed. There is not enough hours in the day and not enough of me to go around it seems. But another week almost done - just need to keep my head up and keep moving forward.

It has been a good week food wise. Friday and Saturday I went alittle overboard and used ALL of my extra points but I have surprisingly been able to stay within my daily points every day since then. Tomarrow night is weigh in - I hope my good work from sunday on helps and fri and sat doesnt come back to kick me in the butt! Its also that time of the month so the last day or so I have tried to back off on the salt so I dont hold on to too much water weight.

I just ran a mile and then did week 2 day 2 of my abs/pushup/squat challange. WOW my abs hurt! And soooo proud of how I am doing with the pushups. Starting I could only do 7 but I just did 5 rounds of 10-12 pushups! It felt awesome!

todays challange

Tonight is a much needed girls night out for a late dinner. I planned it and even picked the place. Well yesterday I went and looked at the nutritional info for this particular restaurant and wanted to scream. Yes I know I will be going over my points for the day but I wanted to do it responsibly, you know? Chicken wings were 2000 cal with 125g of fat! A salad with NO dressing had 50g of fat. NOTHING was less than 18 points except the soup! and I know I want to have a few beers.

Its just one meal why do I care? I tend to go off WW for a dinner out that quickly morphs into a full out week or two week binge with multiple meals out. Then doing well last week will mean nothing. Im almost scared of food!

So I have requested a different place to eat... hopefully the girls dont mind.

blah

I tried to run today and it did NOT go well. First I headed to the highschool track around 4pm... on a friday in football season, what the hell was I thinking! So I came home and got the dog to run around the neighborhood. My poor dog has kind of been ignored latly and was SUPER hyper and was pulling and getting in front of me and it just sucked so half way through we had to walk ... so so annoyed!

This morning I went to make Eric and I breakfast. I made scrambled eggs with 2 yolks and the rest whites and a wedge of laughing cow cheese, it was yummy. I made reduced fat buscuits. Just one buscuit was 4 points! Yummy but OMG! Then it made me think about what I would NORMALLY make for breakfast. Normally it would be regular buscuits of which I would probually have 4, covered in homemade sausage gravy, bacon and full yolk scrambled eggs. I think that is like 30 points! No wonder Im fat!!!

Today I went to the brand new panera bread twice and I am super proud of myself. I only had coffee for the first time and just enjoyed talking with friends. The second time was for lunch with Eric. I had a salad with no dressing and veggie soup and an apple. I didnt give in to the orange scone (13 points!) that I really wanted in addition to my food!

Hopeing for a good week!

I did it I did it I did it!!!!!!

WOOHOO I finally had a losing week!!! 3.8lbs!!! I am soooo happy and proud of myself! I did the program, I did EVERYTHING I was supposed to do. I stayed within my points, worked out, drank my water and it works! I finally had a losing week! I have gained almost a pound every week for a month and I needed this so much.

I know WW works, I know I lose weight very quickly when I do things right. The question is why the hell dont I do it right all the time?!? I could have been at my goal weight by now! I have been doing this for 10month and I have barely lost 20lbs!

todays weigh in..

Today is weigh in day - well night since I dont weigh in until this evening. I am SCARED. This is the first week in a long time that I have done EVERYTHING weightwatchers suggest I do and stayed within my points and conveinently didnt forget to write anything down or night binge or anything. I have done everything right and if the scale doesnt show it then I will be so incredibly bummed!

biggest loser

I am a huge biggest loser fan. The show and the people on it inspire me. They are so incredibly strong yet normal and yet amazing!

I tend to work out during the biggest loser, watching the show while I workout makes me go that extra step, extra mile, extra weight, extra rep. I decided tonight to run with the goal of 4 miles. Halfway through mile 2 they were all sitting on the couch introducing themselves. When Abby starting talking about losing her husband and two small children in a car accident I could barely catch my breath or see from the tears streaming down my face. Running and bawling do not go together. How can a wife and mother live through that? She is one of the strongest courageous women I have ever seen. I cannot to begin to imagine life without the two most important people in my life, my husband and amazing child. That was the end of my run, Im still sitting here crying, sweating, and crying. I hope this show helps her find her inner self, her inner beauty and reminds her that she is still here for a reason. If there is a heaven I hope her husband and children are looking down on her and giving her an extra boost of encouragement and are proud of her.

updates...

I need to update but really dont have time right now. I have been eating AWESOMELY and working out a bit here and there, im about to do week 1 day 1 of my abs, pushups and squat challange once my little man goes to bed. I SOOOOO hope I lost some weight this week, I cant handle another gain :(

UPDATE - Just finished week 1 day 1 and im sweating! Week six of abs is going to SUCK

gained

So I gained a pound this week :( Well in the last two weeks because I didnt go the week before to weigh in. I also wore jeans for the first time this fall to weigh in and I know they weigh more than my shorts but still ... I know im at fault though. Two weeks ago I was BAD... I ate anything and everything in my path, it was only last week that I started to get back on track so Im not surprised to see the increased number BUT I am sick of seeing a + number on my paper. I am sick of the sad "poor you" look of the woman weighing me in when she tells me I gained. Im sick of depriving myself and then falling off the wagon and making the hard work useless.

I am hoping and praying for a loss this week, I need it!

I went and ran this morning, ran 1 mile straight, walked a lap then did 10 up and down the bleachers.

my husband sucks

Seriously - my husband sucks. When he went through the police academy I did EVERYTHING. I made all the meals, did all the shopping, always was the one to get up with G, and not once did I complain. I knew it was for a short period of time and he had to put his attention to other things.

I only have 11 weeks left of graduate school, just 11 weeks! And if I hear him complain ONE MORE TIME! Saturdays are my only day off. This saturday I let him sleep in until 11am. I took G to the grocery store with me which adds like an hour to my shopping time so he could have some down time. I did my wifely duties :) I am making dinner. ANd then he complains that
1. I have to do school work tonight so I cant watch a movie
2. Poor him has to get up with G tomarrow and cant stay up late so he cant play with us or spend time with us because he needs to record something about 9/11 that is already saved on DVR and isnt going anywhere to a DVD.

God forbid he lets me have any down time on my ONLY day off!

He constantly complains that he has no relaxing time since he is with G on his days off... he is your son butt munch!

He tells me when I am spending time to work out that I am just wasting my time and I should wait 11 weeks until im done... he seriously said "its not like you will weigh 400 lbs by then"... he has lost the sensitivity gene I swear!

slacker

Im going to be a blog slacker for a week or two. I am feeling completly overwelmed with school right now. I just made a schedule for the next few weeks each day of what to do each day so that I can try to get a handle of things. I have broken the schedule into time slots and have scheduled workouts, runs, ww meetings, and class work/projects/papers ect. My schedule does not leave me alot of time for anything else but there is only 11 weeks left... I can do ANYTHING for 11 weeks!

out to breakfast

I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to take G out to breakfast this morning. Breakfast is by far my favorite meal and I love to eat breakfast out. It is also the meal out that G does the best at and is on his best behavior. But I re-weigh in today and I know I have NO extra weekly points left and Im planning a dinner out with some girlfriends on saturday so I need to hunker down to day and just eat at home :(

ok done with my pity party...

SO I have done the pity party post... its over and done with and what can I put that energy towards instead.

SO I went to my favoritoe blog http://ronisweigh.com/ for some inspiration. She is doing a push up, squat and situp challange and I decided to join her.

Pushups...check out the challange
http://www.hundredpushups.com/index.html
I am rank #2 - I could only do 7 push ups with good form.

Squats - check out the challange
http://www.twohundredsquats.com/index.html
I was in the "good" section - I did 40 squats in good form

Situps (yuck) - check out the challange
http://www.twohundredsitups.com/test.html
I was in the "poor" section - I did 25 in good form then my neck started to hurt, so maybe not so much in good form :( I hate situps!

SO who wants to join me??? Its a 6 week program, 3 days a week. Based on the schedule doesnt look like it takes too long either. You need NO equipement and you can do it in the privacy of your living room during your favorite show!

They suggest you start a few days after your initial test. So I am starting on friday but will restart week one that following monday as well. I will be doing mon, wed and friday.

Who is with me? Post your progress in comments!

why

Why did I have pizza for dinner?

Why did I follow up on pizza with chocolate icecream?

Why did I follow up with pizza and chocolate icecream with reeces pieces?

Why have I not worked out in 2 days?

I feel gross. I feel bloated and yucky! And I have a horrible headache that just wont go away.

I am dissappointed in myself - not because of splurging alittle... everyone needs to splurge alittle but more because after the pizza I should have been done. I didnt really WANT the icecream, I wasnt really craving it and I had it anyways.

If I am craving something then yes I should give in alittle but if I dont really care for it then why put the calories in my mouth???

on a stretch...

Two days in a row, maybe three... of being good! I am so proud of myself. I have been so busy that since my meals are planned its easy. I dont have time to think about food, good or bad... its a good thing! Normally since I dont have time to think about it then I eat without thinking which is definatly not good.

I spent the entire day busy as can be in clinical today - the time flew. Then I was on mom duty with my little man and now I need to get going and do some reading before heading to bed. I really wanted to work out tonight but it didnt happen... tomarrow!

SO my meal plan for tomarrow and yes lunch is already packed!

5am coffee (0)
7am cottage cheese with fruit (3)
10am fiber one bar (2) coffee (0)
12 sandwich (3), apple (1), almonds (2)
230pm wasa crackers and cheese (2)
530pm coffee (1), sandwich (3)
7pm soup (1)
18 total

9/8/09

Eating plan for tomarrow...

445 coffee, coffee, and some coffee

7am cottage cheese with fruit, fiber one bar (5 points)

9am coffee with skim milk (1)

1230 sandwich (3), sm apple (1), wasa with cheese (2), carrots (0) = 6 points

3pm coffee (1)

430 fiber one bar (2)

630 veggie lentil soup (2), chicken with bbq sauce and brocoli (4) = 6

8pm 1/2 cup icecream (5)

total 26


So thats what I planned and I stayed pretty close...
6am coffee (0)
7am fiber one bar (2)
8am coffee (1)
12pm sandwich (3), apple (2), wasa with cheese (2)
4pm fiber one bar (2)
6pm chicken (4), green beans (0), veggie soup (1)
running total = 17... 11 left

why im fat...

I have an eating problem, a big one! Its not that I have big bones, not that I have a slow metabolism and its not part of my DNA. Its because I put CRAP into my mouth whether I am hungry or not. I need over-eating annonymous!

Eric is working evenings for the next two weeks. No one is here to watch what I am eating and because of that I want to splurge soooo bad! I want to go get taco bell and McDonalds. I want to go to the grocery store and get half a cherry pie and get rid of the evidence before my hubby gets home. I want to take my 3 year old out for dinner for "bonding time" just so I can order super yummy food and then I want to take G out for icecream. I have done each and every one of those things every time dh goes to evenings. I eat when he isnt here. But today, the first day of his evening shift, I have vowed instead I would tell all of you my horrible little secret. By telling on myself the secrecy to it and therefore not nearly as tempting. Instead Im making some homemade lentil veggie soup for the week (super yummy) and Im enjoying a baked potatoe with light sour cream and some left over chicken. And staying within my points. If I would have done everything I wanted to I would have felt miserable and disgusting and VERY dissapointed in myself!

Need to be more technically inclined!

I am new to this whole blog thing - I need to learn how to make it cooler looking and need to learn how to have a side bar of all of the amazing blogs I have came acrossed that gave me the idea to do this one... there are some AMAZING women out there that have already taken the journey that I am on and have succeeded. They are amazing role models and it has reminded me that I am NOT the only one feeling this way. I am NOT the only one to have gone on this journey of not only weight loss but self discovery. I will NOT be the last one either so if I can inspire someone like these ladies have done for me then even better! Normal busy women, moms, wives, can work this into their life. They can make lifestyle changes and make their outside appearance match their personality.

I have to admit though - I am always so worried that once I lose the weight that everything I blamed on the weight will still be a problem and I will have to come to the realization that my problems are not from my weight as I have easily blammed my weight for my problems. My lack of close friendships, my uneasiness around people I do and dont know, my opinion of myself. I have told myself over and over that when I lose the weight all of that will get better.

waking up to a better day...

I have decided as soon as I woke up that today will be a good day. I will plan out, not eat unless im hungry, drink my water and exercise today. I cannot go run until Eric wakes up, the joys of having a toddler - there is no more running out to do what ever you want to do when ever you want to do it.

I need to suck it up and do some school work today too - I need to not get behind with my readings because once im stressed all hell breaks loose.

Todays food journal

730am coffee, coffee and more coffee with ff creamer and splenda with fiber (1 point)

830am high fiber english muffin with spray butter and cinnimon (1 point)

10am egg on a slice of high fiber bread (3 points)

1230pm lunch - homemade nachos. 1/2 cup black beans (1 point), 1/2 cup diced bbq grilled chicken (2 points), 1/3 cup ww cheese (2 points), 1oz baked tortilla chips (2 points) jalapenos, homemade salsa = 7 points. SO SO SO yummy! I prefer these over the nachos at Baja! They are so yummy and very filling and just the right amount. And super easy to make too... you just make them on a baking sheet and put them in the toaster over to broil for a few minutes ....YUMMY!

3pm fiber one bar (2 points)

6pm grilled chicken (3 points), baked potatoe with low fat sour cream (4), brocoli (0), bbq sauce (1) = 8 points

630 one single bite of g's icecream (guessing 1 point)... and yes seriously I only ate one bite! :)

8pm the best dessert EVER... OMG it was sooo good! Mix 2 wedges of laughing cow cheese with splenda (1 point), put that over one of those dessert cups for shortcake (1 point) and cover it in strawberries (1-2 points), I used splenda with fiber so Im giving this 3 points. It was so so so so good, rich and creamy!

running total = 26 points ... 2 left incase I need a "snack" before going to bed... not great but oh well it happens!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Exercise - Today I met up with Sandi at the local high school track. We walked 1/2 lap then ran a full lap for a total of 6 laps then walked 1/2 ran fast 1/2 for 3 laps, walked a lap and then walked the bleachers. Good sweat! Didnt really push myself as much as I could have but will next time! Im so proud of my running buddy, just had a baby and she is doing AWESOME! She thinks "hopefully" she can do a 5k come spring, hell I think she will be ready by November!

Im hoping to start some double work outs, running in the am and then elliptical or weights in the evening, not every day or I would get burnt out but a few days a week.

not good

Today has not been a good day - I havent been horrible but not good either. I stopped writing what I ate around 5pm and had a few cookies and a pretzel, dinner and some icecream. And working 7a - 7pm with an hour commute knocked out working out today.

And for the record I think I hate my darker hair... it washes out my face :(

Tomarrow will be a better day...

already doing its job...

This blog has already proven to be very effective. It is 955pm. Eric is taking a shower. I am alone in the living room. I had a very filling dinner followed by an awesome dessert that fit within my points. Im not hungry. BUT every inch of my body wants to go into the cabinets and eat and eat and eat. I want to eat fruit snacks, cookies, icecream, the stupid cheetos eric bought at walmart tonight. I want to eat all of them before Eric gets out of the shower so he would never know. But im not.

I promised myself that on days I post a food journal then every single bite that goes into my mouth would go on that posting. Today is a food journal day - hopefully tomarrow will be too - and if it goes in my mouth... if I walk into the kitchen then I have to post what I eat and the amount I can consume in the 10 minutes Eric is showering would disgust me. I could easily consume 1000 calories in that 10 or 15 min. Im not hungry. I have acknowledged that I am not hungry so if I went in there and started eating then I would 100% be trying to fill some other void, not hunger. And I would feel disgusted and like a failure.

The real question is what void am I trying to fill? I wish I knew the answer to that, I would have been much more successful in previous endeavers. I have tried this over and over, I make some head way then I throw a wrench into things and I fall back and then some extremely quickly. Last December I was at my max - 201 lbs. But the question remains... what am I trying to fill? Yes I have a hectic busy life but for the most part its a happy life. I know I am lucky to have the opportunities I have right now. The opportunity to go back to school for my masters with a great husband doing everything he can to support my decision. I am blessed with an amazing three year old and I have a few people I consider true friends. Yes I have issues in my past and I am sure alot of that has to do with my issues, none of which I want to go into tonight. BUT if I want this to work then I need to come to terms with past events which I vow to work on.

food journal 9/5/09

I have been asked for the occational food journal. I will try to do this a few times a week.

930am
coffee with fat free creamer and splenda with fiber (a fabulous idea!) - zero points
Egg sandwich with high fiber english muffin, one egg and a slice of weight watcher cheese - 4 pts

1200pm
nachos with baked tortilla chips (2 points), ww cheese (2 points), and home-made salsa = 4 points

3pm
Iced coffee with skim milk - 1 point
Fiber one bar - 2 points

6pm
dinner - grilled chicken (5 points), angel hair pasta with fresh tomatoes and goat cheese (5 points), brocoli (0 points) = 10 points

total 21 points. I have 7 points left over so I think im going to splurge on a small strawberry shortcake with icecream :)

Today was a VERY good day. I ate within my daily points. I exercised and I feel great! Except for my new hair dye thats alittle too dark.

A good day so far...

How is it that it takes weeks of exercising or running to feel good doing it, to actually enjoy it - but then after not working out for a month you are at square one? That running sucks all over again, the breathing is hard, my side hurts, my back hurts. It isnt fun all over again. What I keep telling myself is that I know what that "good" feeling is, I have made it there and so I know that this sucky part is temporary and is replaced eventually, and hopefully sooner than later, with energy and happiness and a good feeling all the way to my bones. I know it exist and that I will feel it again .... eventually.

Today I met up with a friend, Sandi (thanks sandi) and we hit the highschool track shortly after waking up. Alittle later then my normal wake up of 6am with a three year old needing to pee since my wonderful husband let me sleep in a bit today. So at 845 we hit the track. We walked/ran 9 laps. Three months ago I could have ran almost all of them straight, definatly not now. I was almost relieved that Sandi is newly back to running (and 3 weeks postpartum... crazy girl) so I knew she wouldnt be running miles and I let myself stop after a lap or 1/2 a lap to walk a bit... because I didnt want to over do it for her... or atleast thats what I told myself. It was as much that I didnt want to over do it for me and be a failure.

Now to keep my eating under rap today. Last night was BAD. Knowing I was going full force this morning - stupid stupid me binged like crazy last night on junk. I had guacamole (yummmmm) and iced animal cookies and fruitsnacks galore. It was kind of sickening. So as far as Im concerned most if not all of my extra weekly weight watcher points are gone so Im going to try my best to stick to my daily 28 points each day and dont go over. If planned its really easy, unplanned VERY difficult.

For those of you not familur with WW (weight watchers)... I meet weekly on thursdays with my meeting group. My best friend Racheal goes with me. We weigh in then some times stay for the meeting. I do better that week when we stay for the meeting. I get 28 points a day with an extra 30 something a week. Racheal and I have been in the bad habit of using those thursdays as our time away from responsibility, away from husbands, kids, dirty houses, ect ect. It is our time to just spend on us. So sometimes after the meeting or after weighing in we go for drinks and dinner... not WW friendly. We need to get better about that!

I will post my weight weekly starting next thursday. I have gained a pound or two each week for about 3 weeks now... its pathetic!

My other goals are to start drinking more water and take my vitamin. I SUCK at taking a vitamin. I can never remember!

So while this is saturday... Im starting anew right now. Next thursday will restart my counts but we arent waiting for then to get around.

The beginning of my LAST weight loss journey!

I have decided that to be true to myself and everyone else, then I have to put everything out there. The things I don't want people to know, that private part of me that I keep to myself.

SOOOOO many people are going through the same struggles that I am and I say "why cant we do it together?"

So a little about me. I am a very busy person. I am a full time graduate student and will graduate in 14 weeks with my masters in nursing (acute care nurse practitioner). I work as a nurse 1-2 days a week. I am married to an amazing man named Eric, who is also very busy and is an amazing police officer. I am a mom to the best little boy in the world. G just turned 3. We have one dog, two cats and a gold fish named "goldfishy".

I have been overweight most of my life, not huge but definitely overweight. Looking back at when I was a teenager I thought I was HUGE and I wasn't. But now I am considered obese by my damn wii!

I know what to do to lose weight. The actual losing of weight is relatively easy. You eat less calories than you burn, not difficult. And when I stick to things, I lose weight easily. BUT the problem is that I sabotage myself over and over. When I follow a healthy life, when I eat well and exercise regularly ... I feel AWESOME. I feel healthy. I feel energetic. I feel happy. But then I sabotage my efforts and make myself feel horrible. I feel like a failure.

SO this is a new beginning. I am not going on a diet. I am going to try to make life changes. I am going to try to make myself healthy. I will not think poorly of myself if I'm not perfect; who is?

I will be following weight watchers as far as food is concerned. My amazing friend Rachael goes to meetings with me. Her and I are not doing well right now, we haven't really lost any weight in 2 months. And most of the time we go out for BAD dinners right after the meeting. We are striving to do better.

My other goal is to run a half marathon next spring/beginning of summer. I ran my first and only 5K last spring and it was AMAZING. But I haven't really ran much since then. When I was running it was so relaxing. Once I learned how to breath the correct way - it was fun and a great stress reliever.... which I very much need. I have a full gym in my basement and have access to a free gym a few days a week at school that I don't use. I plan to ease into all of this with the minimum of running or elliptical 30 min 5 days a week.